El Gringoqueño

All a man needs out of life is a place to sit ‘n’ spit in the fire.

Page 35 of 51

Ezequiel Wants to Paint Cars

“How do you call yourself?” I asked extending my hand.

He mumbled something.  I couldn’t make it out.

“Could you say that again?”

“Escgael,” he said again as I leaned in.

“Eh?  What was that again?”

“Esdasel.”

“Could you write it down please?”  I handed him a pen and paper.  I watched him write out E-Z-E-Q-U-I-E-L. “Ah, from the Bible – the Jewish prophet.  Interesting.  Cool.”

He smiled.

“Okay, now that we have that out of the way, I’m James o Jaime en español.  Pleased to meet you.  So, Ezequiel, first I want to ask you why you came down today?”

“I always come down.”

“Okay, did you come down for a particular reason?”  I always ask this because I’m not sure if a particular inmate is coming to the session for religious study, general chit chat, or just to get out of the general population for a respite.  I can go all religious if need be, but I prefer to weave it all together in a more secular way.  But really, it’s all the same to me.  Me da igual.

“I’d… like to look for… Jesus.”

“Why?”

He shrugged.  Look I don’t know, maybe.  Maybe I felt I was supposed to say that.  Or maybe I was trained to say that.  Or maybe it felt good to say that.  Or maybe I’d like… I dunno.

“What do you want to do?” I asked him.  “What would you rather be doing right now?”

“I’d like to be out of here.”

“Yeah, but if you were out of here, what would you be doing?  What do you like to do.  What would you like to do with your time?”

“Paint cars.”

“You mean like in an auto shop?  Hmmm, that’s interesting.”

We talked, or rather, I talked/asked him about painting cars and his talents and what he liked to do.  He was a quiet kid.  He didn’t say much.

“Hey, you ever see that show on MTV, ‘Pimp My Ride’?  It’s this show where they take an old beat up car and turn it into a work of art.  New seats, new rims, tires, interior, rugs, sound system, televisions, computers, new dash etc.  They always put a super fine paint job on it too.  You want to do something like that?”

“Yeah.”  He smiled his eyes twinkling.  He was still a kid of few words, but he had these twinkling eyes.  I’d have to pay attention to his eyes for clues to his thoughts.

“So, how might you paint these cars?  What would you paint?”

“I don’t know.”

“How about some clouds, and ‘Mi bendición’ with a Puerto Rican flag with a cool metallic ice?”

“Yeah.”  His eyes got wide again.  It’s like I could read his thoughts before he even knew he had them.  I could see him dreaming about his beautiful paint job.  I watched reflections in his eyes of some big aluminium rims, sweet Pirellis, neon in the undercarriage, an awesome fade on the side panels with a Puerto Rican flag waving in the cool tropical breeze.  It was like a big piece of sweet candy and I could see it tasted good to him.

“It’s like art, you know?” I offered.  “One of the things that we share with God is the need to create.  It’s one of the things that takes us back to the divine, compartimos ese rasgo con Dios.  He was sitting there all alone and he had this big nothing, but a lot of love.  He could do no other thing than create… everything.  So great was his love, he created us.  That’s what it’s like when we create.  When we create we are doing the same thing that God did.  We are fulfilling the same need.  We are sharing in the divine.”

Ezequiel nodded.

“So, guess what,” I added. “Lots of famous painters throughout history created paintings on all kinds of places, walls, poles, town squares, floors, ceilings, carriages, you name it.  They painted everything.  Maybe you do this painting on the car that says, Jesus es el salvador or mi salvación, Jesus.  Whatever.”  I thought maybe I was getting corny now.  I pictured in my mind a typical heavily modded import with a rosary and crucifix hanging on the rear view mirror.  Painted on the exterior I saw a big mural of La Señora de la Providencia, an image of the Virgin Mary, with an infant Jesus resting on her lap painted big and fat on the hood.  I saw chrome, lights, a crucified Christ on the door, and a cloud-like father figure emerging from a heavenly scene.

It’s not my taste, for certain, but I loved it.  I see some of the graffiti here and I must say I am in awe of the talent of these kids.  While I wouldn’t own a Jesus-pimped car, I have to say I’d love to look at it.  I’d love to drink it in, enjoy the art, appreciate the expression.  I would stand in awe of such a creation.

I shook Ezequiel’s hand before we left.  It was a pleasure to meet you, I said.  I told him that I dreamed of the car he would paint.  I told him I dreamed the dream as if it was my own.  I wished I could paint that car the way I dreamed it.  But, I told him, I’d probably screw it up.

It was up to him to do it right, because the world needs that car.

Damnit, I won’t go to the vineyard

This is a gospel passage that Laura and I have been getting a kick out of lately.  I am the first son. 

Matthew 21,28-32.

What is your opinion? A man had two sons. He came to the first and said, ‘Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.’ He said in reply, ‘I will not,’ but afterwards he changed his mind and went. The man came to the other son and gave the same order. He said in reply, ‘Yes, sir,’ but did not go. Which of the two did his father’s will?" They answered, "The first." Jesus said to them, "Amen, I say to you, tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God before you. When John came to you in the way of righteousness, you did not believe him; but tax collectors and prostitutes did. Yet even when you saw that, you did not later change your minds and believe him.

"Jim, will you take out the trash?"

"No, I’m busy."  Laura goes off and does something else.  I think about it for a bit, and go take out the trash.

"Jim, a client is requesting a change on X Y or Z."

"Why do they want that?  That’s stupid.  They’re idiots.  They don’t know what they want.  I won’t do it.  I quit!"

Laura goes off and does something else.  I think about it for a bit, and make the change.

I’m such an idiot sometimes, but at least I go to the vineyard and get the job done.  Laura tells me I’m a loveable grouch. 

Now get thee, Jim, to the vineyard.

Where Feminism has Succeeded

I sat down with Olaia last night to read her a book.  "Hmm, let’s see… what shall we read?"  I grabbed a collection from her bookshelf, flipped through the table of contents for something fun to read.  I read the titles aloud so that she may shout out when she heard something she’d like. 

"No.  No.  No," she answered to each of the selections.

"How about Encyclopedia Brown?  I used to read those when I was just a little older than you are now – when I was a little boy.  I always liked Encyclopedia Brown."

"Okay, Daddy, sounds good."

I began to read.  The story started with a little introduction to Encyclopedia Brown’s family.  Idaville was an idyllic little town where no crimes went unsolved.  Encyclopedia’s father was the chief of police.  He was very successful.  Little known to all, though, was the fact that his son Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown was behind his father’s success.  His prodigious intellect had earned him his nickname.  It was a happy family, happy and successful and perfect. Dad was the chief of police and his son was the crime solving engine powering Idaville’s crime-free environment.

"Daddy, what does Encyclopedia Brown’s mommy do?" 

A funny little crooked smile crept onto my face.  "Well gosh, Olaia, that’s a mighty  good question."  Quick Jim, think fast.  What does his mommy do.  I am always unmasked by my insightful daughter.  She has this knack for cutting through pretense and slicing snip snap right to the incongruence of a matter.  Myself, I carry my load of 1970’s preconceptions and "common" sense.  I’m a child of the rising action of the feminist movement, with all its rancor and discord. 

"A woman’s place is in the home," I heard from one. 

"A woman’s place is in the office," came another. 

"Equal rights! Equal rights!" was screamed all around.  What was it all about, I had no idea.  Something was being birthed, but I knew not what.

Fast forward to present day.  Maureen Dowd laments the failures of feminism. "We pushed too hard to be like men.  We took the fun out of being women, and now there’s a backlash.  Now we’ve gone too far the other way, back to sex objects, back to finding husbands to complete us," she flirted in a recent interview with Tim Russert. "Maybe some things stuck, though."

How do I explain to Olaia what Encyclopedia’s mom did without demeaning her role?  After all, she loved her family, we just didn’t notice her. 

I didn’t notice her. 

"Olaia, back when this book was written, mommies didn’t work outside of the home as much.  People didn’t like for them to have jobs, so they took care of their families.  They would cook dinner, clean, and make sure everybody was okay.  Things have changed since then.  It was a long time ago, but now mommies and daddies work together in the house and outside of the house.  Mommies can do anything they want.  Does that make sense."

Olaia had noticed her, and now that I had explained myself and Encyclopedia’s unnamed mother, she was ready to go.  "Yes, okay, let’s read the book."

Of course it made sense to her.  What didn’t make sense was there was no mention of Encyclopedia’s mommy and what she did.  For all intents she didn’t exist except as an apron clad figure serving a casserole to Encyclopedia Brown and his dad.

Today’s beautiful "common" sense is the unassailable expectation that girls can do anything boys can do – anything they desire.  It’s as common and natural as anything could ever be, as real as conceived, born, nurtured, educated, tortured, and eventually fully grown.  Feminism and feminists should take heart.  Today’s girls and young ladies come of age with a new common sense, a new and entirely distinct awareness of what is possible and expected of them.

And my lovely lovely little girl, Olaia, what of her?  She gets to wear a dress if she wants too.  She gets to study what interests her.  She gets to be what she was meant to be without the limiting oligarchy of generations past. 

And my personal observation:  overlook her insight at your own peril.

The Last “War” of the United States

Ha! I was looking for information to clear up just what my status is as a veteran, having been mobilized for Iraqi Freedom in March of 2003.  We were on active duty for 89 days before Bush declared victory and sent everyone home.  Ahem.

So, because I’d like to know, I’m looking around for information about benefits (if any) to which I am entitled for my obviously worthless 89 days of active duty service in time of war.  I was wrong, dead wrong, it turns out. 

War it is not, never been.  Funny, it tastes like war, though.  I smack my lips.  It’s kinda bitter with a smokey flavor.  They call it a war, use it to justify "wartime" suppression of civil liberty and routine ass-wiping with the Constitution, but let’s not fight over little words, shall we.  We’ve got a war to fight.  WTF?! There you go again with the "W" word.  Geez!

Then I found this on the Office of Personal Management for the US Federal Government:

War Service Creditable for Veterans Preference.  In the absence
of statutory definition for "war" and "campaign or expedition," OPM considers
to be "wars" only those armed conflicts for which a declaration of war was issued
by Congress.  The title 38, U.S.C., definition of "period of war," which
is used in determining benefits administered by the Department of Veterans Affairs,
includes the Vietnam Era and other armed conflicts.  That title 38 definition
is NOT applicable for civil service purposes.

Thus the last "war" for which active duty is qualifying for Veterans preference
is World War II.  The inclusive dates for World War II service are December
7, 1941, through April 28, 1952.

I blinked.  I read it twice.  So, the OPM for purposes of preference, only considers those that fought in WWII (The last declared war) to be veterans.  Those ranks are getting pretty thin, I’d say.

I read it again.  So what this is saying is that the last armed conflict for which the people of the United States had a say was WWII (I always knew that, but to see it put so bluntly was startling).  Put another way, the last time our duly elected representatives in Congress declared war was 1941.

Doesn’t that seem funny to anyone?  Funny, not in the "ha ha" sense, but funny in the "we’ve lost complete control of our country" sense.  From Truman, to Lyndon B, to Reagan to Bush Sr. to Bush Jr.  we have engaged in one "conflict" after another, all of which were deemed to be of "utmost" national importance, but not quite enough to get the endorsement of the American people with an official declaration of war.  These conflicts were important, we were told – important to whom?  Obviously though, they were not important enough for the failsafe vote in Congress to sanctify the "war."  Don’t worry your puny little minds with these big and complicated issues of "national security" we were/are told. 

We will protect you.

And don’t worry about the messy little details like Americans dying and being maimed.  It’s all for a good and noble cause, just not good and noble enough for a vote of the representatives of the people of the United States of America.  Details details.

I am Ready

A few weeks ago, I was driving Laura’s family’s green Mercury Mystique back to her father’s office.  Laura’s brother Carlos was coming back into town, back from a year in Iraq, and I was leaving the car for him.  Something caught my eye in the compartment below the radio, that little shelf for nick-nacks.  It was his basic bio info card from MIT Sloan.  I looked it over, it had things like: Your undergraduate school, your major, jobs you’ve held, activities, sports, hobbies, languages etc.  Then I got to one in the middle, “Word that best describes you,” and Carlos had written “Ready.”  I smiled in agreement.  I let it rattle around in my brain, bounce off the corners, clanging and jangling and knocking about.

How few of us are ready – really ready for anything, let alone a year in Iraq.  Let’s not put the bar too high, though, shall we?  Ready is a state, not of flaccid inactivity, like a garden hose waiting to be filled with water.  Ready does not imply inactivity, waitfullness, standby status, or lack of will.  Mohammad Ali said it best,

“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

Bruce Lee had a similar mantra:

“Do not be tense, just be ready, not thinking but not dreaming, not being set but being flexible. It is being “wholly” and quietly alive, aware and alert, ready for whatever may come.”

Let your state of inaction be one guided by the possibility of movement in any direction.  When the time for action comes, let it be swift, precise and guided by knowledge, training, wisdom, and purpose.

Wishing Everyone a Wonderful Holiday Season

I’m not gonna let Fox News ruin the holiday season by forcing me to call it all Christmas.  Here in Puerto Rico, Three Kings Day is at least as big as Christmas – so there!  All my life this Holiday Season thing has been a wonderful time.  From Thanksgiving to my birthday on Super Bowl Sunday… it’s all good, and most if it ain’t Christmas.  I love the whole season of cheer, good food, new beginnings, and old friends.

omalley_gorbea.jpg

I will say Merry Christmas when I feel like it.  I will not be made to feel like some scourge of humanity if I wish to say Happy Holidays and when I do say Merry Christmas, I don’t mean it as a political statement.   

Sure Christmas is great.  I like that we celebrate the birth of Christ, but let’s not get carried away folks.  Let’s not let Fox News ruin it for the rest of us, what with their "War on the Holidays."

Bizarre but True

I’m sure it’s happened to you – you’ve found yourself in some bizarre moment where you suddenly have some first hand experience of what it would have been like to live in Green Acres. 

Take this for example.  I was at a church dinner, a social occasion with lots of food and talk and music.   Laura left me with the kids and went to get some finger food for us to snack on while we socialized.  After she left, there came from the night a winged demon, a mighty attacking thing, and not just any thing, a big black thing.  A bit fat tropical beetle landed on the table near one of the older guests, a 55-something older gentleman and his wife.  Without a thought, he reached into our 4 month old’s baby carrier, grabbed his burp-cloth and smashed that beetle.

"Um, what are you doing?  Put that down."  He stared at me dully, and continued to wipe.  "What are you doing?" I raised my voice.  "That’s the baby’s cloth for wiping his mouth."  And I snatched it away and gave him the most evil glare I could.

"But there was a bug," he replied weakly.
 

The Force is Strong With That One

I heard the pitter patter of little feet behind me. 

"Daddy… you will put us to bed."

"Huh?  What are you doing, Olaia?"  I turned to see Olaia staring me down and making strange gestures.

"I’m doing the Jedi mind thing."  She put her finger up to her forehead again and deepened her voice.  "Daddy, you will put us to bed."

"Hehe, yes, I will put you to bed now."

I placed Jaimito and Olaia in their beds and straightened out their sheets and covers. 

"There you go littlebug, all tucked in," I said.

"You are free to go about your business now."

Leave Cheating Death to the Pros

Dear City of New York,

It has come to our attention that you have been considering changing the tone of your Thanksgiving Day Parade.  We note with interest the throngs of people cheating death by avoiding falling lamp posts.  We have been observing our annual running of the bulls (Festival de San Fermín) for hundreds of years and we view your attempt to copy us as pathetic and ill advised.  First, you don’t know how to do it right.  Second, our lawyers have a lot more experience with liability.  Besides people being mauled in the street was our idea first.

So, in closing, stop hitting handicapped women with lamposts hurled by renegade balloons and stop promoting your city as the best destination for those who wish to cheat death.

That’s our shtick.

Sincerely,
The City of Pamplona, Spain 

P.S. The irony of using the work "shtick" is not lost on us.

If We Pull Out Now, It Will Have Disastrous Consequences

How about not?  How about if we said that pulling out of Iraq wouldn’t have disastrous consequences – or put a different way: Why are we supposing that for us to get tired and pull out early would be the end of the western world as we know it?  Why are we playing that card?

So, let’s say I’m one of the terrorists.  What scenario would make me blissfully happy?  What scheme, plan, strategy spoon-fed to me by my adversary, allowing me to not tire my little mind with hard thoughts, or having to be book smart, or know geo-politics, foreign policy or even to have read Sun Tzu’s Art of War – would be like a gift from Allah?  What gift could be so great, so timely, so wonderfully selected just for me and my little comrades, ready made like a Pillsbury ready-bake biscuit roll… one of the ones that goes pop,  I love that – that I would fall on my knees in gratitude.

What little gift is the gift that keeps on giving?  A stupid enemy.

Why, tell me exactly what I have to do to win this thing.  "I say to you my comrades, look at them, they are tired, they are in-fighting, and they have told us that all we have to do is hold out for a little while longer, and we will have victory and their way of life will die dying dead like an infidel’s dead dying stinky dog that smells.  Straight from the camel’s mouth, they have said it.  To lose would be the worst possible thing.  Take heart, my brothers, we are close."

You see?!  All they have to do is re-double their efforts hang on a little longer and we are screwed. 

We – are – so – stupid, my teeth hurt.

So, what should we be doing?  What should we be saying?

Look, this is no big deal – we have already won.  The Iraqi people have already conquered the enemy.  They are marching toward prosperity.  We should be saying that victory is assured whether we pull out or not.  And if we do pull out soon, we will declare victory and go with pride having accomplished the mission.  Failure?  Not a chance, because we have already won.  Say it over and over and over and over again, until it sinks into that tiny stupid acorn-sized cell-bundle you call a brain.  Like any confederate flag waving KKK rally attending red-neck racist you fascist islamists don’t realize you lost the war.  It’s over.  It’s been over.  The world is moving on.  There is NO CHANCE of disaster striking.  No amount of car bombs, suicide bombs, shootings will change that.   You lost.  Even if we leave, you’ve still lost.

All you can do now is put your little Al Qaida bumper sticker on your little shit-hole pickup truck full of watermelons and drive your sorry ass on over to the Walmart to buy yourself some scented Christmas candles and a Coca Cola.

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