El Gringoqueño

All a man needs out of life is a place to sit ‘n’ spit in the fire.

Page 34 of 51

Puerto Rico Defrauds its Citizens

I got a letter in the mail, addressed to me, from the DTOP (Departamento de Transportación y Obras Públicas, Dept of Transportation and Public Works).  Weird, I thought, this is weird indeed.  What could they possibly want with me?  I quote (my thoughts in parenthesis)

Esteemed James, (ooo, I’m esteemed, that’s good, huh?)

I have good news for you (oh my goodness, good news, let me read more).  You can save $48.00.  (wow, how?  more more more!) Currently, our system reflects that you have pending traffic fines totaling $120.00 (WHAT!?)

Take advantage of this offer.  You have from March 3rd to May 1st to receive a 40% discount, a savings of $48.00. You can get out of all your fines by paying only $72.00. (WTF?)

This offer is for a limited time and will not be repeated.  Don’t waste time or money. Visit your closest local collecting office and pay your invoice.  You only have to bring this letter. (They wish)

Pay now and save.  Don’t wait until it is tool late. (or WHAT?)

Gabriel D Alcaraz Emmanuelli (Crook)
Secretario de Transportación y Obras Públicas

Okay, it looks like it came from DTOP, on official stationary.  They are not asking for a mailed check.  They ask that you go to the official government collections office to pay.  The letter is legitimately from DTOP, but it reads like a bad CompUSA rebate offer.  It just sounds like fraud, fraud disguised as a great offer.  Couple that with the fact that I just re-registered my car a week ago (so I was clear a week ago) and have never ever ever been pulled over let alone ticketed.  This is just false.  And the letter does not provide a phone number or any information to report an error.  Okay, I think to myself, I’ll have to deal with this.  What a pain.

I am reminded of a corollary to Arthur C. Clark’s "Any
sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" which
is "Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from
malice."  I love that quote.

Then I find out that Laura’s father, mother, and brother also got the same letter.

Okay, so that’s how it going to be, huh, naked malice.  There is speculation that the cover story is going to be a computer glitch, that if you drag your sorry ass into the collections office, wait all day for a useless government functionary to see you, you may have your "fines" removed.  Otherwise, if your time/job is worth more than the extortion demand, then you’ll just pay it and move on with your life.

I also find it weird that amount of the "fine" is suspiciously close to
the median daily income of the average worker.  It’s like the dollar
figure is perfectly calculated to match the cost of missing a day of work.  It’s probably a close race for the majority of Puerto Ricans
today.  It’s just too perfect an amount for my "fines."  It’s too
perfectly crafted.  Too high, everybody fights, Government gets no
money.  Too low, and most everybody pays it resulting in an increase in
revenue, but a loss on how much they could have actually gotten.  The
tone of the letter makes me believe they are doing me a favor, going
out on a limb, and the amount is just about right for the average joe.

This is just sick, sick, sick.  I have never heard of such a thing, government run extortion, fraud.  I mean, usually they just stick to back room graft and mismanagement.  How often do governments just come right out and say, "pay us this money, and there won’t be any problems,"  except in Cameroon?

Any lawyers out there want to take up a case against the Department of Transportation in Puerto Rico and Gabriel D Alcaraz Emmanuelli, alleged mastermind of this fraud?

Javier Ignacio’s 1st Birthday

Javier_1st_Birthday_0027.jpg

By the time he was done, he had cake in his hair, ears, and down his back.  He beamed, eyes twinkling, with true happiness as we all sang happy birthday to him.  He knew we were adoring him, and the little munchkin ate it up, along with the cake.

Javier_1st_Birthday_0030.jpg

It’s funny, Laura and I were reflecting on the night that Javier arrived.  We were up late watching Battlestar Galatica (great great show) and about half way through, Laura starting having contractions.  As with all pregnancies, you don’t know how much time you have, and this being our third child we could have easily had the little boy right there on the coffee table during the commercial break.  Laura, however, sci-fi chick that she is, sucked it up and said that it’d be fine, that we could finish Battlestar Galactica.  

"Are you sure?"  I asked.

"Yeah, I guess so."  

So little Javier, I just want to say on your 1st birthday, thanks for letting us watch our show.  You’re the best.   And Laura, you win the Sci-fi-chick-of-the year award.

sci_fi_chick.png 

Procedural Flash Animation in Linux

Pardon me while I geek out again. This particular article falls under the, "look Ma, no hands" category, a shameless play for adoration of my cleverness. What I’m about to show is neither new nor terribly beautiful, nor cost effective for most professional flash designers and/or web designers.

It’s just cool that it was done procedurally and entirely on Linux. First, another caveat; I absolutely do not get these animation tools with their tweening, paths and visual interactions for creation ­of animations. For some reason, when I animate my stupid brain sees a stack of cells, straight up and down. I see the frame changes like a flip book. If I try to­ abstract an object in the animation into some sort of mathematical formula, line, path, or whatever, my little pile of gray matter goes all slushy. Also, my brain likes to see things in text. I know, I know, what’s the matter with me? I don’t even see the code. All I see is blonde, brunette, red-head. Chuckle.

Here’s the finished product: www.og-consulting.com

The door scene modeled in POV-ray scene description language and is typical of Old San Juan, Puerto Rico Spanish Colonial architecture. The real doors are beautiful. If you ever get a chance to take a cruise from/to Puerto Rico, don’t miss the chance to walk around Old San Juan ­(El Viejo San Juan) and check them out. I rendered three frames with the doors rotated from 0 to 75 degrees to simulate… guess what? Opening doors. Clever, huh?

There’s a lot of POV code, here’s a little bit of what it looks like:

cylinder { <0, 0.5, 0>, <0, -0.5, 0>, 0.5
        texture {
        pigment { color rgb <0.6, 0, 0> }
        normal { granite 0.02 turbulence <0.5, 0.9, 0.2> scale 0.25 }
        finish { specular 0.1 reflection .1 }
    }
  }

It’s pretty simple. You place objects in an X-Y-Z space (Cartesian coordinates) like a sphere, cylinder, box or any other of the predefined primitives. You can merge them, subtract them, intersect them in creative ways. Finally, you apply some sort of texture which includes a pigment, a surface (normal), and a finish (reflections effects etc). There are easier ways to model, but sometimes POV-ray’s scene description language is just the most elegant and easiest way to model something.

The next step was to convert the png files to jpegs for inclusion in the flash animation. I used a little sprinkle of bash and a dash of kosher ImageMagick’s convert.

for file in *.png; do convert -quality 100 "$file" "${file%.png}.jpg"; done

For each png file, convert the png file to a 100 percent quality jpeg file. We use 100% quality because I’m going to let the swftools take care of the final compression. There’s no sense in lossy compressing then lossy compressing again. That’s just crazy talk.

We will now create the flash source file. Open a new file slideshow.sc. This is the textual language for the swftools Linux Flash toolkit. I have never ever ever looked at a flash source file from any Macromedia product, so I have no idea if this animation description method looks/acts/walks/talks in anyway shape or form like Macromedia’s products. Don’t know, don’t care.

.flash bbox=640x480 filename="slideshow.swf" version=6 fps=25 compress background=white

  .jpeg s1 "puerta_open03.jpg"
  .jpeg s2 "puerta_open02.jpg"
  .jpeg s3 "puerta_open01.jpg"
  .font font "gilc____.ttf"
  .font arial "arialbi.ttf"
  .text text1 text="Opening Doors" font=font
  .text text2 text="Opening Doors" font=font
  .text text3 text="Opening Doors" font=font
  .text text4 text="OG" font=arial
  .text text5 text="Experts in" font=font
  .text text6 text="Open Source" font=font

  .put s1 scalex=640 scaley=480 alpha=100%
  .put text1 scale=100% x=40 y=220 alpha=0%

  .frame 25
  .put s2 scalex=640 scaley=480 alpha=0%
  .change text1 alpha=100%
  .put text2 scale=100% x=40 y=220

  .frame 100
  .change s2 alpha=0%
  .change text1 alpha=100%
  .change text2 alpha=100%

  .frame 125
  .change text1 alpha=0%
  .change text2 alpha=100%
  .change s2 alpha=100%
  .put s3 scalex=640 scaley=480 alpha=0%
  .put text3 scale=100% x=40 y=220

And so on (that’s not the whole file, but the rest is just repetition. There are 71 total lines of code for that little flash animation. Is that a lot or a little? Seems pretty small to me anyway. Basically, with swftools you define an object (image, or text); you put it; then you change it. You can change its fade, size, location, and more. The swfc program will implement the change from the object’s last known state. Check out swftools for more examples (that’s where I got all the reference I needed to make my little flash thingie).

So there you have it. I walk through the frames, changing elements, putting, fading, growing, moving stuff around. It’s was all described from start to finish in a procedural language, from the POV-ray scene description language, to bash and ImageMagick for command line image manipulation, and finally to swftools flash scene language for the final animation. Pretty nifty, huh?

The neat thing about this is that once the procedure has been developed, you can reuse it for other clients, other looks, colors, messages, etc. In fact, you could directly render it on the server to update information on the fly via end user input. There’s no limit to what you can do with something like this.

Of course if you’re on Windows, you would probably just buy Macromedia’s software… but where’s the fun in that?

Jesús era un Boxeador

Last night I was at the juvenile processing facility.  I got to meet a kid named Phillip.  American name, but didn’t speak a word of English.  I thought it weird.  Whatever.

He was a baby, barely 15, but he wanted to be a boxer.  He’d trained with his uncle before winding up in prison on a year and half sentence.  I secretly wondered what a 15 year old could do to wind up in prison for 18 months.  Geez.   Either that or what I’ve heard about the racket of “lawyers” extorting money in the projects para bregar was actually true.

“You have a friend who gives you a Playstation… what do you do with it?”

Puzzled look – like I was trying to trip him up with a trick question, like if he said, play the damn thing, I’d zing him and say… no you give it to charity and spend more time in church on your knees thanking the good Lord for your life.  Remember to wail and gnash your teeth.  He loves that.

“You would… ”  I motioned with my thumbs as if to fiddle with the controller.

“Play it?”

“Yeah!” I exclaimed, “You play the thing.  That’s why your friend gave it to you.  And what is a Playstation for?  To be P L A Y E D.”

Phillip smiled a 15 year old smile, ear to ear, clean teeth to clean shining teeth.

“So now you’ve got this Playstation that you didn’t ask for.  You kind of know what to do with it, but it’s really no fun by yourself.  Who do you call first?”

“Mis amigos?”  He offered.

“Right.  Then you get together and share your gift with your buds.  You pass time with them sharing the Playstation.”

“Yeah.”  Phillip smiled again.

“Phillip, what’s your talent?  What do you want to do with your life?”

Phillip hesitated.  I don’t know why, I had not been trying to trick him.  The quickest and most natural thought is usually the right one.  I had not led him astray up to that point.  He stilled seemed to be searching for some kind of noble Godly vision of what he should be doing with his life instead of what he wanted to do, what he was good at.  He gathered the courage and offered:

“I want to be a boxer.”

“Cool,” And without missing a beat, “Did you know that Jesus was a boxer?”

Again Phillip was thrown for a loop.  Jesus a boxer?  How could it be?  Boxing isn’t Godly.  Boxing isn’t pious.  Boxing is at best the red-light district of sports and humanity. Study game theory in blockchain applications and how it works.

“Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘leave it all on the field’?  Or in your case ‘leave it all in the ring’?”

“No.”  He looked at me quizzically.

“Well, after you fight, you should barely be alive.  After you finish, you shouldn’t be able to stand.  After you are through, you will have nothing more to give, no interviews, no congratulations, no celebrations, and if you lose no sorrows, no regrets, nothing.  You will have used it all up and left it in the ring.”

Phillip looked at me, eyes wide in puzzlement or amazement.

“Phillip, for what purpose do you have this life?  Did you ask for it?”

“Eh?”

“Are you going to get out alive?  Does anyone live forever?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Isn’t it a gift like the Playstation?  Aren’t all gifts just that;  not asked for?  And just like a gift that you didn’t ask for, the best thing you can do with it is use it, before it breaks, before it becomes obsolete… or the Playstation III comes along.”  Phillip chuckled.  “What would you save it for anyway?  You’ve got to use it.

Jesus wasn’t just a boxer?  He was the champion of the world, uncontested, undefeated, even in death.  He knew one thing that only the greatest champions have ever come close to knowing.  He knew that how you do a thing is more important than anything else.  That whatever you do, you live it fully, completely, with no regrets.

When you box, it’s a spiritual exercise.  In order to do it well, you’ve got to study it.  You have to train.  You have to discipline yourself.  You must have respect for it.  With all the things you do you pay homage to your life and your life is that which has been given to you as a gift.   You honor  your gift by being the best boxer you can be.

Remember too, though, that all gifts carry a burden.  You have a heavy responsibility.  If you want to be like Miguel Cotto you have a heavy burden to carry.  You might see his victories, his money, or his fame, but his bouts show his discipline, his patience, his devotion to his craft.  He’s not hanging with his friends in the evenings.  He’s training early in the morning and getting his rest.  When he’s not training or resting, he’s probably reviewing films, studying his sport or eating a special diet.  Yes, he has time for friends, but he’s a championship boxer and it’s not easy.  And he’s surely not getting in trouble.

Phillip, is this future what you want?  Do you accept this?  Will you take up the burden, the responsibility, and the commitment to make your dream a reality?”

“Yes.”

Ruby on Rails – Insert Multiple Child Records

Yes, I understand this is going to be a weird post for some of you.  Frankly, I haven’t been writing enough about what I spend most of my day doing, so here it is.

­I have been having a bafflingly hard time trying to figure out the proper way to insert multiple child records from one single webform.  It is the standard fare for posting things like invoice headers and details.  Say for example, you’ve got an invoice record which consists of an order number, date and whatnot.  That particular piece of tabular data is then considered the parent of its child line items (product_id, description, quantity, price, etc).  So you’ve got this Order which consists of an invoice and line items. 

It’s pretty basic, but I’ve had the hardest time figuring out how to do this is Ruby on Rails.  I know it’s not hard in theory, but with Rails, since there is only One Right Way(TM) to do things, ’cause you’re on Rails, it takes a bit of doing to figure out this Right Way(TM).  I personally don’t have a problem doing it Rails’ way, but please dear God, just tell me what it is.  I bought the book and everything.

So here’s the dope, folks.  Please correct me if there’s a better way of doing this, ’cause I’m a Rails n00b.  For reference sake, I am using Ruby on Rails 1.0 with Postgres 8.0.4 and Ruby 1.8.4

First the webform:

<ul id=items>
   <% for item in @items %>
   <li><%= check_box_tag 'line_item', item.id, checked=false, {:name => "line_item[item_id][]", :id => "line_item_id_#{item.id}" }  %><label for="line_item_id_<%= item.id %>"> <%= item.title  %></label></li>
   <% end %>
</ul>

Make sure to use check_box_tag instead of check_box.  check_box holds a hidden text input that by default inserts a 0 into the database.  From http://rubyonrails.org/api/classes/ActionView/Helpers/FormHelper.html

The checked_value defaults to 1 while the
default unchecked_value is set to 0 which is convenient for
boolean values. Usually unchecked checkboxes don’t post anything. We
work around this problem by adding a hidden value with the same name as the
checkbox.

You don’t want that.  You want the plain vanilla check_box_tag which does none of that nonsense, because you in fact, don’t want your line_item table being filled with up with all kinds of line_items referring to product "0" or product "NULL".

So that’s our form.  The line <% for item in @items %> comes from the items.rb model and is just a little database query to get all the items associated with a particular order for posting in our invoice.  Why would we use checkboxes?  Well, maybe we’re not going to invoice the whole order.  Maybe we’re out of some items.  We’ll let our warehouse guy check off the checkboxes on his wireless pda.  How’s that?

If you were watching closely, you’ll notice that I modified the check_box_tag behavior with options of my own with the following:

:name => "line_item[item_id][]"

This is what gives us multiple lines (an array of items) to pass to the controller.  [] is the important part.

Now, so far this is easy, or at least I thought so.  I’ve done this a hundred times in php, but that’s just the problem, I got tired of writing and re-writing this.  I wanted Rails to handle all the parent child relationships for me and leave me alone.  I’m lazy.

But I couldn’t figure out exactly how to do this.  Frankly, I’m still trying to fit all the method/class/object/instance/variable blah blah blah into my head and keep all the Invoice invoice invoices straight.  I know, I know, it’s probably me, but I’ll wager there are a few more slow-witted programmers out there for whom this is all so confusing.  A phrase that I have been becoming more familiar with while working in Ruby on Rails is, "Use the force."  It’s funny, but most of the time when I relax and make stuff up without trying to "understand,"  things usually Just Work(TM).  Jedi Programming… who knew?

So we’ve got our form.  Now we need to post the parent and the children in one fell swoop.

Now for the model (no, not Victoria’s Secret):  Invoice will not reference the children (the children will come running when they hear their parent’s voice regardless of whether they are called by name).  The parent "has_many" children and does not bother remembering their names or ids or anything.  The children on the other hand "belong_to " (or reference) the parent and are tattooed with the parent_id stamp of ownership (big ears for example).   When they are required, they will all line up under the parent and file out like good little children.

Got it?  Parent -> has_many :children, Child -> belongs_to :parent – the model of a perfect Catholic Rails family.

Now we need to post the stuff.  This is a snippet from the invoice_controller.rb:

   def create
      @invoice = Invoice.new(params[:invoice])
      @invoice.order_id = @session["order_id"]
      for item_id in params[:invoice_item][:item_id] do
              @invoice.invoice_items << InvoiceItem.new(:item_id => item_id)
      end
      if @invoice.save
         flash[:notice] = 'Invoice was successfully created.'
         redirect_to :action => 'list'
      else
         render :action => 'new'
      end
   end

order_id is stored in the session array and is used to reference the invoice.  The invoice in turn has items added to it for each item_id in the params passed from our form.  What happens on @invoice.save is the following:

  1. Rails inserts the invoice header (the parent)
  2. Immediately fetches currval(invoices_id_seq) to retrieve the newly created invoice_id
  3. Uses that invoice_id number and iterates over the invoice_items inserting both the item_id and invoice_id
  4. commits the results if successful

That’s it!  Easy, huh?  Well it took me all day to figure it out.  I knew it was easy, but perhaps I don’t have mad google sklz or something, because it left me scratching my head.  Hopefully someone will find this useful.  Leave a comment and I’ll do my best to answer your questions.  If not, I’m sure I’ll forget it in a few months and have to reread this *G*.

Andy Rooney – Have You Ever…

I went out the other day on my bicycle to buy some milk.  I suited up, grabbed some cash and headed out the door.  My morning was uneventful up to that point, routine. It was about to go awry, but not while I was on my bike, no thanks to the cruel fates who would have loved for this little memoir to have started off differently. 

After I returned, I realized that I had to replace the car’s registration sticker.  It had expired the 28th and I had to put on this year’s new little sticker so that I could be legal and that no one could call me illegal and take my car away.  I grabbed a razor blade scraper thingie, some Windex(TM) registered patented trade-secreted intellectually propertized brand glass cleaner, and my new little sticker, clutched in my paw like the last Cheetos brand(TM) original corn puff snack of goodness on the planet. 

Or maybe I felt a little like a first grader in craft class.  Whee, what were we going to make?  I’ve got my pencil, my paste, and my paper.

Scrape scrape scrape, went the razor.

Smudge smudge smudge went the sticky glue bead balls.

Tear tear tear went the old sticker.

Curse curse curse went the Jimmy. 

Spray spray spray went the Windex.

Wipe wipe wipe went the paper towel.

Smudge smudge smudge went the window.

Sigh.  Finally the surface was prepared, and I applied the sticker.  Look, mom, no bubbles.  But the stupid thing was on upside down*.

It was going to be one of those days, eh? 

 

 

 

 

*not really, but it’s funnier that way don’t you think?  I’m sure that’s what James Frey thought.  Truthfully, my day was just fine, a bit hectic, but then again that’s life, doncha know.

Music to Save the World

The big question is how are we going to share the world.  Music is one of the good ways of conversing, because if I know what you love and you know what I love then we actually start a different kind of conversation.

Cellist, Yo-Yo Ma, on an episode of NPR’s Performance Today

 

True Love is the Greatest Thing in the World

I was just looking at my son’s Valentine’s card on my desk.   The little truck sticker that he had placed on it had fallen off.  I picked it up.  What a cute little manly truck.  I stuck it back on the construction paper between the two hearts, one pink and one orange.  To the right of the orange heart he had put a sticker of a helicopter and another small pink heart.  Below, Jaimito had drawn his family as stick figures.  Our bodies were rudimentary, but he had put extra emphasis on the faces, beaming smiling faces.

He had selected each element with care, I am sure.  Jaimito made me a card to communicate his love for me.  He also made sure that the card represented himself, hearts of love, his family, and a truck and a helicopter.

Boy, do I love that little boy.  I want to be just like him when I grow up.  It’s funny, but I remember the rush of first love, those days of your first Valentines.  You get older and those rushes fade.  One would wonder if they were supposed to fade, should I look for new love, hang on to the old, or just accept that first love, that young passionate love is long gone?

Well, folks, it ain’t over.  The rush comes back, and I think, comes back both stronger and steadier.  When Jaimito handed me his Valentine’s day card and said, "Here, Daddy, I made dis for you,"  I swept him up into my arms, crushing him to my breast, peppering his round cheeks with a thousand kisses, until he giggled with delight.  "Daddy, did you see the truck?"

"Yes, I love your truck." 

Organized Religion and Cookies

We’re back in a new chat with Jesus. Welcome back everyone, and Jesus – how have you been?

J: Not good, not good at all. I’m a bit distressed with this organized religion thing.

I: What do you mean? I thought that was an invention of yours.

J: *looks askance at interviewer*

I: *defensively* What?

J: Look, I was the original anti-established organized religion guy. Geez, I came here to tear down the temple, remember? My goal was to tear it all down and – well not so much tear it down as re-purpose it – wait.. let me think for a bit.

Okay, here’s a good analogy. Let’s try this on for size.

Let’s talk about warm chocolate chip cookies, shall we?

I: Oookay… I’m listening

J: Good, let’s think of the institution of the Church as a big warm chocolate chip cookie. Let’s think of them all, all the churches like that – all big warm chocolate chip cookies. The Catholic church, the biggest Christian denomination founded in my name has this huge honking warm gooey chocolate chip cookie and it’s going stale. They’ve stirred and baked this enormous cookie and what do they do with it?

I: I’m kinda lost with the whole cookie thing.

J: Sigh, cookies? Cookies are love, dude. Cookies are love. You’re killing me.

So you’ve got this huge cookie. What are you going to do with it? I’ll tell you what I did with it. I starting breaking off pieces and handing them out to people.

Breaking – it – apart. You got that?

Every time I went to temple, I’d shove some pieces of it in my pockets to take to the sick, outcast, and the forgotten. The tough thing about it was, I couldn’t sneak much out, but to some of the people living on the outermost fringes of society, a crumb of the stuff was pure gold. It made me feel really good to be able to brighten their days and bring them some morsels from time to time. In difficult moments, choosing to Sell Gold can also become a meaningful way to turn valuable items into support and relief for those in need.

I: Did they really have cookies back your day?

J: Again, love, dude – love. Cookies are metaphors for love. The church is supposed to be a manifestation of love, therefore it’s like a cookie, best eaten with a glass of warm milk.

So I’m all, ‘Tear down this temple and I will rebuild it in three days’, but that’s not what I said. I said to tear it down and feed it to my hungry brothers and sisters, then we would return and rebuild it in three days. It’s another metaphor. Love and cookies work best when shared freely. Cookies, when kept to yourself, just get moldy and nasty. It gets stale and old and rotten, then you spend all your time trying to keep it from getting nastier, preserving it, putting it in the freezer, protecting it from harm. If you’d just eaten it when it was warm you would have always had fresh cookies. You see it’s not ABOUT the cookie, it’s about sharing the cookie, using the cookie.

The problem was that when I spoke about these things, you all whipped out your little notebooks and wrote down: “Must make cookies. Cookies are sacred. Cookies are the key to everlasting salvation.” And you all went off and made little cookie shrines in my name (like I hadn’t seen that before, sheez). Look, it’s for e-a-t-i-n-g. *mimes putting a cookie in mouth, chewing*

But when my hungry brothers and sisters came to taste the cookie, you brushed them off saying, “No, no, no, you mustn’t touch the sacred cookie. That’s one of the blessed mysteries of the church and you went back to the fabrication of more cookies on display under glass.”

You can see how it’s a little frustrating. I was the original destroyer of organized religion. I’m not for it. I wasn’t for it. I was a disruptive force, a sacrilege, a heretic, and a subversive influence.

I like to think I was the mad subversive cookie baker.

And I’d hoped you’d all get giddy with cookie baking and serving and just go crazy dishing them out to the corners of the world. Some of you did, God bless you, you got it, but there’s a whole bunch of you who didn’t. I hoped that you’d search out the most lost, the most hungry, the most unloved and offer them a piece of your cookie, and say, “You look hungry, here’s a plate of warm cookies and milk. Best eaten now. We can always make more. Don’t waste your time preserving them.”

Get to it man, get to it!

Four Things (Bah!)

I’m going to pull a page from the anti-blogger.   Pretend I’m hip for a sec (I know it’s a stretch, but bear with me).  I would probably respond to the cliquey little meme-tag shit in the following manner.

Four Jobs I’ve had:

  1. Look how freaking poor I am
  2. I’m one of the working class – at least I was for the summer between my sophmore and junior year of college
  3. I’m not a classist bastard
  4. I’m interesting, I swear – I had a bunch of jobs, see?

Four Movies I can watch over and over

  1. I’m artsy
  2. I’m deep
  3. I can play populist too
  4. But deep down bah, who am I kidding? I’m better than you are

Four places I’ve lived

  1. I’m worldly
  2. But a homeboy
  3. Hon, what was the name of that city in Canada where we spent the night that one time?
  4. Thank God in a blue state

Four TV shows I love

  1. No reality TV
  2. I’m quirky – but derivative
  3. I’m a trend-setter
  4. Except for the fact that I watch TV

Four places I’ve vacationed

  1. Remember that part where I could hang with commoners… well forget that
  2. Europe BAAABBBY
  3. Never in a red state
  4. Can I count Europe twice?

Four of my favorite dishes

  1. Something I can’t pronounce
  2. Something I never really ate, but the IDEA, the idea of the dish spoke to me
  3. Something from Europe that can only be found in the expensive trendy import shop around the corner
  4. Not something found in a typical red state super market, or God forbid a Walmart.  Ptooie

Four sites I visit daily

  1. Please don’t type foxnews.com
  2. Please don’t type foxnews.com
  3. Please don’t type foxnews.com
  4. foxnews.com – damn!

Four places I’d rather be right now

  1. At our favorite little French cafe, remember the one from the magazine ad?
  2. In a blue state, preferably San Francisco – well, it damn-well ought to be a state
  3. Somewhere conspicuous, reading anything with "Manifesto" "Media" or "Conspiracy" in the title. To help passers-by check out my hipness, extra points for fabricating a jacket with the title in large print.
  4. Saving the whales in Europe with ropes made of hemp.

Four bloggers I’m tagging

  1. Someone who will increase my page rank
  2. Someone who will increase my hipness
  3. Someone who validates ME
  4. Someone who isn’t in a red state

* BTW, I had to google "blue state"/"red state", because I didn’t know which was which.  You mainlanders are a strange lot, what with your gang colors an’ stuff.

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