El Gringoqueño

All a man needs out of life is a place to sit ‘n’ spit in the fire.

Page 38 of 51

Into Each Life…

August 18, 2005 /

The big fat obnoxious drops started to fall slowly.  They
landed with metallic thunks, like little bombletts, crashing and
splashing on the exterior of my car.  They impacted noticeably,
and I swear, for a second I thought it was hail.  These were 15
kiloton raindrops.   

At first they came in a halting fashion, as if unsure of their target,
but soon I was in the mist of a rain of terror upon a civilian
population.  I could barely see a few feet in front of the car,
and traffic slowed to five miles per hour.  And my music – I
couldn’t hear my music, lost as it was in the cacophony of the attack.

As
I inched up to Calle Simón Madera, I hesitated, seeing that it was no
longer the Calle Simón Madera, but El Río Simón Madera.  I made a
decision to turn and attempt to ford it.  How bad could it be?

The
water was half-way up the door on my little Ford Focus (or so it
seemed).  I quickly followed a larger SUV in front of me, taking
advantage of his wake to edge the water away.  It worked, until he
decided to stop and slowly make a left turn.  Arrgghh,
please oh please please, don’t stall, little car.  I don’t want to
deal with this now.  I’m stupid, I admit it, but just don’t
stall.  Mr. SUV made his turn and I continued on. 

I breathed a sigh of relief.  I never realized what that little car was capable of.  Now I know.

I
sat down at my desk and began to work, when my cell phone rang. 
Hmm, out of state area code.  Who could be calling me? It was my
good friend Dave.

"Hey Dave, what’s up?"

"Nothin’ much, man, just thought I’d give you a call and touch base.  It’s been a while."

"That’s
great.  It’s good to hear from you."  And there we were,
chuckling and carrying on.  He mentioned that PowerBall was up to
220 million dollars.  We talked about the small risk of a  $1
investment with a $220 million payoff.  It just might make sense.

"Hey,
Dave, what would you do if you won?  You’d take it in a lump sum, right, so
that leaves you with about $100 million.  What do you do with your
life?  Do you still play in the orchestra?  Do you buy the
orchestra?  What in the world would you do with your life if money
was irrelevant?"

"Nothing.  I’d probably watch a lot of TV," he chuckled.

"Play
with the kids, take trips?  Hey, you could start a business. 
Would you start a business?  Would you compose?  Would you
start up a music foundation, or some sort of foundation for the
arts?  Would you donate money to the orchestra?"  I was
ratta-tat-tating him with a million questions.

"I’d buy a plane, take flying lessons, and travel around.  That’d be cool."

From
there we moved on to other things, difficulties of running a business
in Puerto Rico, poor economy, difficult market.  He asked me where
I would go if I left Puerto Rico. 

"I’ve thought a lot
about Colorado.  I’ve read the the tech industry is booming
there."  I was also thinking about the cooler weather, cheaper
cost of living, and outside recreation opportunities.  Colorado
has seemed to me, from afar at least, to be a perfect blend of
mid-western hospitality, urban sophistication, and culture.  Bah,
but what do I know.  I’d have to try it out.

"Why do you stay in Puerto Rico, if it’s that bad?" he asked innocently.

"Well,
it is bad, that’s for sure."  I paused, unsure of the words or
what I was actually feeling. "It’s just that there have been
opportunities here I have shaped me in ways that I never would have
realized."  Serendipity is a word that comes to mind.  It’s
not that suffering for suffering’s sake is a good thing, but sometimes
you don’t know what you’re capable of.  Sometimes when life is
comfortable, you don’t seek out those itchy contagions that cause you
to scratch.  In the Midwest of the US, you can just blend in,
carry on with your life, and if social activism isn’t your natural
inclination, you can happily avoid it. 

In Puerto Rico,
it’s in your face 24/7.  Between the projects, the despair of the
fatherless youths, and the poor public education, problems
abound.  They affect every strata of society, and unless you are
among the super-wealthy, you’ve no way to avoid it.  So, you’ve
got two choices, do nothing or do something.  Doing nothing takes
more energy that it does in the US, of that I can assure you.  The
flip-side is that doing something is a bit easier.  And doing
something, opens up one of the possible ways that we as humans may
grow.  I wouldn’t be the person I am today if not for Puerto
Rico.  I’ve a long way to go, and I am still not enchanted to be
living here, but I know Puerto Rico, I know its culture, I know its
problems, and I know its spirit, and I’m sure that this is where I’m
supposed to be right now.  I’m also sure of one other thing.

I know what I’m capable of.

Catalog Shopping

August 14, 2005 /

Olaia picked up the Performance Bicycling catalog from the coffee table and curled up on the couch with it.  "Mommy, when I get a little older, I want this," and she pointed out a specific item.  

"Oh, my dear," Laura giggled, "you’re gonna get a kick out of this."

"What, lemme see," and I leaned over to see what Olaia had selected.  Her finger was on a little pink girlie bicycling top, right there in the women’s fashions section.

"When I’m older, I’m going to wear this when I go with Daddy to buy milk."  She beamed as she dreamed of her pink top and her bicycle and riding with her bestest Daddy in the whole wide world.

Crackervision

August 12, 2005 /

Recently the Discovery channel hosted a "contest" to decide who was the most important American – like ever.  I’ll keep it short, *spoiler alert* Ronald Reagan won.  He beat out lots of great Americans, but Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.?!?!  WHAT!  Are you smoking crack? I tore my hair out in chunks before I realized that the verdict says more about who watches the Whiteychannel than who was the greatest Amercian.

<voice style="comicguy">Best channel demographic research ever.</voice>

IT Employee Attitude Adjustment

August 11, 2005 /

You’ve probably noticed it.  I’ve noticed it.  IT personnel have gotten less responsive over the last few years.  They complain more, are harder to deal with, and less motivated than I’ve ever seen.  The cliche of the BOFH (Bastard Operator From Hell) was one thing.  Today it’s totally different.  IT people don’t love their jobs anymore.  Whereas the BOFH of yesteryear truly loved the torment he inflicted on his L-users, today’s LOFH (Lazy Operator From Hell) just doesn’t care.  He really doesn’t.  He doesn’t care if you’re mad, if you yell, if you call him names, tell his boss he sucks, rant and rave up and down the halls. He just doesn’t care.

He’s not paid enough to care.

And that’s the difference.  Whereas before in the land of mainframes and business automation, highly skilled technical people were paid large fees to make stuff run well.  And for the most part it did.  Because of the power these high priests of the arcane wielded, they tended to be bastards, condescending.  But it was all part of the mystic and mostly everyone was happy.

Enter desktop computing.

Today’s sys-admin is more than likely the user that sits in front of the computer using email, word processing, spreadsheets, etc.  You, the end user, are your own admin.  Professional sys-admin’s are more than likely just help desk support, and worse than that, relegated to company overhead, while employees with the desktop computers are the bread and butter.

“Make it work, you worm,” you can hear them mutter under their breath whenever there is downtime.

IT guys don’t get paid well, and as a result, they take their compensation in other ways, surfing the net, running side consulting jobs from their employer’s business, screwing around, taking long lunches, being unresponsive, rude, surly.

I’ve seen it all, I work with these people every day, and it’s always the same.  They’re bored, under appreciated, underpaid, and unhappy. Transition smoothly with outplacement support for employers.

“You wanted to be your own sys-admin?  Now that you’ve got that fancy schmancy WinXP on your desktop so easy to use, so powerful.  You think you don’t need us?  You think this stuff is simple?  Do it your god-damned self.”

Desktop computing has gotten so cheap that we labor under the false illusion that business automation is cheap, a commodity, that Information Technology is one step above the toilet paper stocking service.

Even in conversations about modern business infrastructure, it helps to remember that safety services still play an important role. Reliable Fire Watch Guards in Minneapolis help businesses stay protected during system outages or emergencies while operations continue.

Next time you have that bean burrito, and you get that after lunch peristaltic action and there’s no TP… bet you wish you had some TP now doncha?

Engineer Solves Glass Half Empty Problem – World Yawns

August 8, 2005 /

Today, an engineer quietly solved the glass half empty problem.

"You see, it really depends on the initial state.  If the glass starts out empty, and is filled to half, the glass is half full, or put another way, trending toward fullness.  If the glass starts out full and half of its contents are consumed, then the glass is half empty or trending toward emptiness.  It’s just a simple engineering relationship.  Your perception of the glass as half empty or half full depends upon your frame of reference and your stated objective.

Answer the question, ‘For what is the system designed and what are its goals?’ and you will be able to – construct – the – system – accurately… uhm… err.  You guys must think I’m really stupid, huh?"

Heeeeelp!

August 4, 2005 /

Just been stupid busy.  Why is it that nobody wants anything
for weeks, then all of a sudden they all want it now, right now! 
Right friggin’ now!

Here’s a funny incident.  I’m American
right?  I’m not from Puerto Rico, right?  I was not born
here, nor am I culturally Puerto Rican, right? I’m a friggin’ big
honking gringo, as big and whitey white as white can can be, like a giant white
whale, like Uncle Ben’s long grain, the kind of guy that would never get picked for police
undercover work, the kind of guy who – true story – got mistaken for
undercover security for the Resident Commissioner in Washington D.C.,
Luis Fortuño.  I’m as big and conspicuous and as gringo as they come.

Well, with all that said, why is it that I keep having to translate for people here?  I end up translating from Spanish
that doesn’t make any sense into Spanish that passes as language, with nice specifics, with nice timelines, and precision.  I’m not the only one that says this.  Laura always
gets a giggle out of it. 

"Who’d have thought, that they’d need an American to translate for them?"  she mused, after I got off the phone with a client and his subcontractor.  I talked to the sub to explain what the client wanted.  I talked to the client to clarify what the sub didn’t understand – yeah, stuff like that.

"I
wonder if they don’t just play dumb because they don’t want to do the
work, but when a member of the High Command of Colonial Overlords is
there they shape up because of vergüenza."

I dunno.  Maybe they think I’ll pull out my sidearm and shoot the place up a bit.

We white people are crazy that way. *eye twitches*

Interview with Jesus Part II

July 27, 2005 /

…And no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion as
it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive.
As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be
advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do us the
same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
God, then, is just that — a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the
most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians
are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure
of Jesus because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.
Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every
recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas,
resort to formal lying to obscure such reality.
– Steve Allen, comedian, from an essay in the book “The Courage of
Conviction”, edited by Philip Berman

We got such a great response from the last informal chat with Jesus, we decided to follow it up with a second more formal part – well formal in that there will be questions, and we hope answers.  Jesus was very forthcoming last time, so we’re hoping to get a window in on ultimate Truth today.  Keep your fingers crossed folks.

I: Jesus, it’s nice to see you today, err I mean, ‘Jesus, the Savior, it’s nice to see you today.’

J: “Haha, that’s a good one.  (Jesus wipes a tear from his eye.) Whoo, *chuckle*.

I: So, Mr. Christ.

J: Call me Friend.

I: So, Friend, we on this planet have some burning questions for you.

J: Shoot.

I: We’re hoping you can clear up some things for us.  Maybe give us an update on your last best seller, “The Good News.”  I know you’re working on a sequel, but we’re hoping maybe you can give us a peak.

J: Be glad too.  In fact, it’s not so much a sequel as a 2nd edition.  It’s different of course, but all the basic information is there.  It’s just that it’s been nearly two thousand years, and a lot’s changed since then.  I thought an update was in order.  To some of your readers it will all seem new.  I’m trying to really get the message across to this modern age of good people who are looking for a purpose.  It might be considered a self help book, but I think if you look closely, it’s really an “other-help” book.

I: That’s interesting, care to give us an example.

J: Sure, yeah it’s super interesting and once you get it, very enlightening.  The other day, one of my children was walking into a gasoline station.  As he stepped toward the entrance, he realized he’d not looked at the pump number… you know, so he could have the cashier activate it once he stepped inside.  He strained his neck trying to figure out what pump it was, but couldn’t quite see it.  Suddenly, another of my beautiful children, a homeless man, offered that it was pump number two.  The homeless man was looking for a few cents of course, and I noted that the first man didn’t have any cash on him… which was okay.  So the first man offered him a thanks, paid for his gas, and left thinking of the homeless fellow who’d watched him intently and offered up the very thing he needed when he most needed it.  The gasoline buyer took with himself a beautiful lesson about what it means to be human, for what we are predestined, and why we exist.

I: for each other?

J: Yup, you got it.  That’s it.  Nothing more complicated or simple than that. Find a way to help.  Promote.  Don’t demote.

I: That’s a nice story.  So that’s a glimpse of what we’re going to see in the 2nd edition?

J: I think so.  I have to get with my editor.  I’m either too wordy or not wordy enough.  I never know the right balance.  I love you all, but sometimes you’re a confusing audience, and I love that by the way.  Many pore over every word looking for meaning, losing the forest for the trees.  Others just skim over parts that they think aren’t important.  As a result, I’m going to go with an old standby – the parable – it worked two thousand years ago, I think it will be successful in this age.  People seem to respond to stories very well.  I guess I just need to update them to make them more relevant.  Not a lot of people are farmers and fishers today, so that’s one area we have to update.  It is coming along nicely, though.  I think people will really enjoy it.  And for God’s sake (*chuckle*), don’t fight over it.

I: Thanks for talking with us today.  Stay tuned to this channel for more of our chat with our Friend, Jesus that cat from Nazareth.

J: Thanks, appreciate the opportunity.  Peace out.

Glass Half Empty, Cows Deny Production Problems

July 26, 2005 /

glass.pngIt was reported today in a small Midwestern town that a glass of milk was found to be half empty. 

"There was so little milk," said 12 year old Timmy after immersing his chocolate
chip cookie only halfway.  "You see, it’s all good on this side,
but this other.  It’s mighty dry, I’d say."

News crews and emergency workers were dispatched to the area to investigate.

"I’ve never seen anything like it.  Half empty?  Why when I was young, it was half full.  What is this world coming to?"

Cows
are denying production problems, but sources close to the industry,
have noted cows always deny any problems exist.  A spokescow, had
this, "I can’t speak for Timmy, but we have not had any issues with
production.  I can’t speak for the glass in question either, but
perhaps the glass size has increased.  We’ve noticed that the
glassware syndicate has been slowly increasing size for years.  I
mean, you can’t blame cows for an increase in glass size.  Can
you?"

There you have it; is a trade war brewing between cows and glassware manufacturers? 

A
researcher with the local university, confirming part of this story,
had this, "We’ve been studying the relationship between volumetric
content and receptacle utilization for some time.  Our studies
have shown great promise, but Federal grants in this field have left us
underfunded and overburdened, I’m afraid, just as we were to make some
sense of this tragedy.  Let me just say this:  there is
something going on, and someone doesn’t want us to find the truth.  Think about it.  George Bush’s father, owns stock in a company that supplies butane gas to run warehouse equipment.  This very same equipment is sometimes used to cart around boxes of glassware… even loading them on trucks to be brought right to your door.  They’re hiding something, I know it."

Can we trust our government? 
Is there a conflict of interest?  Why are they cutting funding in this important area that affects the
public health and our children?  What about the children?

These are all profound questions, questions that this reporter
will investigate until the truth is revealed.  We will work around
the clock to get to the bottom of this.

Why is the glass half empty?

How Many Articles Can I Begin with “Oh holy shit, they’re at it again”?

July 9, 2005 /

Imagine if you will a place where the boundaries between Legislative and Executive where blurred, wrapped, and crossed with the Judicial – a place of sound, a place of fury, and place signifying nothing.  You have just stepped off the boat one thousand miles southeast of Florida… somewhere into the Twilight Zone.

Tomorrow, in the semi-autonomous territory and commonwealth of Puerto Rico, a referendum will be held.  Imagine if you will in our parallel sister Twilight Zone where odd and bizarre things occur, if president of the United States, decided to hold a nationwide referendum.  At stake was the decision to change Congress to a unicameral assembly or change the form of government to a parliamentary system. 

Imagine it!  NOW!

What do you mean you can’t? 

What’s that?  You say that the president has only some limited powers over the Legislative Branch?  You mean he has veto power, which can be overridden by a 2/3 majority. You say he can set executive policy, govern the military, and write the budget?  Well, I guess.  Bush has overstepped his bounds on occasion, but even he has not tried to void the Constitution (well, without a good reason… okay, I’ll concede that too… sheesh).

So how would one go about changing the structure of the legislative branch of government?

First, the Congress would have to propose, debate, and vote on the change (2/3 majority in both houses).  Next step would be for 3/4 of the states’ legislatures to ratify that change.

I can’t imagine it’s too much different in Puerto Rico, but tomorrow, there is a referendum on changing the legislature from bicameral to unicameral.  Huh?  Wouldn’t it just be great that if every time the president didn’t like what Congress was doing he could call a nationwide vote and threaten to disband it?  What the?

Well the short of it is that in Puerto Rico the governor can’t do it either, but what he can do is propose to spend $4 million tax of tax payers’ money to execute what amounts to a poll.  If the people were to favor a unicameral legislature, the next step would be for the legislature to vote on it, then do whatever process is required to amend the Puerto Rican constitution.  Oh, yeah, but we have one more step here.  All changes to our constitution must be approved by the United States Congress.

The only reason for a vote tomorrow on this issue is pure and simple intimidation of the legislature.  It is nothing more than executive branch thuggery.  Personally, I couldn’t care less what system the legislature runs.  It couldn’t get any worse. 

But don’t kid yourself.  If anyone votes either yay or nay, it is a vote for the governor, a vote for intimidation, and a waste of money.  Don’t for one second think you’re deciding anything.  You’re just playing into the governor’s hands, perpetuating the folly, the circus, and furthering our decent into a banana republic.

Ah, but everybody loves a show.

Sensual Delights

July 7, 2005 /

I was reading over some of my old writings from around ten years
ago, when something struck me.  They were so rich with flavor, like for example, "To Build a House." 
I reflected with disappointment on my current work.  It’s so
immediate, so sparse, so "get to the point."  Perhaps it’s this
Internet age that is upon us.  I feel like it’s shaped my writing
in a negative fashion.  Where before I would indulge in the senses, the
details of a particular scene, I now hog-tie it down like a starving
maniac.  Got to get to the point, quick before someone comes along
and takes my scrap of meat.  And wild-eyed and ravenous, I babble
forth matter of fact prose like a recluse who hadn’t spoken in
years.  Bah! How lazy, how shallow, and how tasteless it has all
become. 

So, I dug up an old piece that I wrote in the North
of Spain.  I hope by posting it here, it will remind me what I
should be doing.

I met Laura in front of the cathedral in Renteria, near where we
were going to eat. She looked lovely, happy to be out in the
festivities of a Basque celebration of culture. Loudspeakers broadcast
Basque music into the echoing walls of the plaza. Young people,
intermingled with the old, gathered amongst the posters for freedom,
and graffiti covering the ages old stained stone. We walked hand in
hand to a small restaurant near the church and sat down in a small
wooden alcove. Warm deep rich paneling and beams of rough hewn logs
surrounded us. The waitress approached.

"For to start, we have mixed salad, stuffed peppers, and rice with chicken."

"I would like the mixed salad," I said.

Laura decided to have the stuffed peppers. The woman hurried off,
and I said to Laura, "I have been inspired this morning on the new
issue."

"Oh, I’m so glad for you."

"I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, and it’s got me all excited. I feel so invigorated. Everything’s flowing."

"Well, I’m just glad we’re finally feeding you, it’s probably because you haven’t eaten in two days, loopy man."

"Nevermind that, it’s the artist’s life. Seriously, I just haven’t
noticed. It’s easy to do. Other things have been feeding me, or gnawing
at me, can’t say which." I looked at her. "This issue has awakened a
lot within. I think people have forgotten."

"Forgotten what?"

"Oh, I don’t know, sensuality. It’s like Hemingway’s ‘Snows of
Kilimanjaro’ ‘…He gave them up for richer and richer women.’ It’s
like people just upped and walked away from themselves. Hell, it’s like
the entire world is walking away from itself. Spielberg’s Peter Pan,
the boy who never grew up, but did eventually. He forgot. He forgot
himself, who he was, what he truly was. He walked away and ended up
bashing fantasy, giving into the nature that says there can be nothing
separate from my experience.  To believe in fantasy is
false.  There is no magic, no wonder.  And Pan ceased to
exist."

"What a beautiful thought." She smiled at me.

The waitress
brought our appetizers, some bread, and some cider, all Basque staples.
I dug into the bread dipping it liberally into the vinegar and oil on
my mixed salad. I mopped some of the mixture from the anchovies strung
out over the top."

"Ummm, hon, can you hand me one of your tomatoes. They look really
good." She looked longingly in the direction of my tangy red garnishes.

"Sure, but only if I can have some of your sauce." I reached across
with a piece of bread and mopped the cheesy tasty liquid running out of
her pimientos rellenos. "Oh, man that’s good." She smiled a satisfied
smile at me as we dug into our food.

I said, "At least we’re both getting the bacalao, so you can’t steal any of that."

"But, I do so much like stealing your food. Maybe just a piece?"

"Okay, dear," I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, are you going to eat your olive?"

"No, you know I don’t like them. Here." I passed my olive to her
plate. "Okay you eat the olives, I’ll drink the cider, since I don’t
expect I’m going to get any help from you."

She popped the olive into her mouth. "That’s what makes us such a
good match. I eat the things you don’t like, and you finish my coffee,
tea, wine, and cider." Laura laughed.

The waitress returned and took our plates, polished clean of every morsel, every speck of food. "Man that was good," she said.

"I know," and I poured us each some more cider.

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