El Gringoqueño

All a man needs out of life is a place to sit ‘n’ spit in the fire.

Page 34 of 51

Andy Rooney – Have You Ever…

I went out the other day on my bicycle to buy some milk.  I suited up, grabbed some cash and headed out the door.  My morning was uneventful up to that point, routine. It was about to go awry, but not while I was on my bike, no thanks to the cruel fates who would have loved for this little memoir to have started off differently. 

After I returned, I realized that I had to replace the car’s registration sticker.  It had expired the 28th and I had to put on this year’s new little sticker so that I could be legal and that no one could call me illegal and take my car away.  I grabbed a razor blade scraper thingie, some Windex(TM) registered patented trade-secreted intellectually propertized brand glass cleaner, and my new little sticker, clutched in my paw like the last Cheetos brand(TM) original corn puff snack of goodness on the planet. 

Or maybe I felt a little like a first grader in craft class.  Whee, what were we going to make?  I’ve got my pencil, my paste, and my paper.

Scrape scrape scrape, went the razor.

Smudge smudge smudge went the sticky glue bead balls.

Tear tear tear went the old sticker.

Curse curse curse went the Jimmy. 

Spray spray spray went the Windex.

Wipe wipe wipe went the paper towel.

Smudge smudge smudge went the window.

Sigh.  Finally the surface was prepared, and I applied the sticker.  Look, mom, no bubbles.  But the stupid thing was on upside down*.

It was going to be one of those days, eh? 

 

 

 

 

*not really, but it’s funnier that way don’t you think?  I’m sure that’s what James Frey thought.  Truthfully, my day was just fine, a bit hectic, but then again that’s life, doncha know.

Music to Save the World

The big question is how are we going to share the world.  Music is one of the good ways of conversing, because if I know what you love and you know what I love then we actually start a different kind of conversation.

Cellist, Yo-Yo Ma, on an episode of NPR’s Performance Today

 

True Love is the Greatest Thing in the World

I was just looking at my son’s Valentine’s card on my desk.   The little truck sticker that he had placed on it had fallen off.  I picked it up.  What a cute little manly truck.  I stuck it back on the construction paper between the two hearts, one pink and one orange.  To the right of the orange heart he had put a sticker of a helicopter and another small pink heart.  Below, Jaimito had drawn his family as stick figures.  Our bodies were rudimentary, but he had put extra emphasis on the faces, beaming smiling faces.

He had selected each element with care, I am sure.  Jaimito made me a card to communicate his love for me.  He also made sure that the card represented himself, hearts of love, his family, and a truck and a helicopter.

Boy, do I love that little boy.  I want to be just like him when I grow up.  It’s funny, but I remember the rush of first love, those days of your first Valentines.  You get older and those rushes fade.  One would wonder if they were supposed to fade, should I look for new love, hang on to the old, or just accept that first love, that young passionate love is long gone?

Well, folks, it ain’t over.  The rush comes back, and I think, comes back both stronger and steadier.  When Jaimito handed me his Valentine’s day card and said, "Here, Daddy, I made dis for you,"  I swept him up into my arms, crushing him to my breast, peppering his round cheeks with a thousand kisses, until he giggled with delight.  "Daddy, did you see the truck?"

"Yes, I love your truck." 

Organized Religion and Cookies

We’re back in a new chat with Jesus. Welcome back everyone, and Jesus – how have you been?

J: Not good, not good at all. I’m a bit distressed with this organized religion thing.

I: What do you mean? I thought that was an invention of yours.

J: *looks askance at interviewer*

I: *defensively* What?

J: Look, I was the original anti-established organized religion guy. Geez, I came here to tear down the temple, remember? My goal was to tear it all down and – well not so much tear it down as re-purpose it – wait.. let me think for a bit.

Okay, here’s a good analogy. Let’s try this on for size.

Let’s talk about warm chocolate chip cookies, shall we?

I: Oookay… I’m listening

J: Good, let’s think of the institution of the Church as a big warm chocolate chip cookie. Let’s think of them all, all the churches like that – all big warm chocolate chip cookies. The Catholic church, the biggest Christian denomination founded in my name has this huge honking warm gooey chocolate chip cookie and it’s going stale. They’ve stirred and baked this enormous cookie and what do they do with it?

I: I’m kinda lost with the whole cookie thing.

J: Sigh, cookies? Cookies are love, dude. Cookies are love. You’re killing me.

So you’ve got this huge cookie. What are you going to do with it? I’ll tell you what I did with it. I starting breaking off pieces and handing them out to people.

Breaking – it – apart. You got that?

Every time I went to temple, I’d shove some pieces of it in my pockets to take to the sick, outcast, and the forgotten. The tough thing about it was, I couldn’t sneak much out, but to some of the people living on the outermost fringes of society, a crumb of the stuff was pure gold. It made me feel really good to be able to brighten their days and bring them some morsels from time to time.

I: Did they really have cookies back your day?

J: Again, love, dude – love. Cookies are metaphors for love. The church is supposed to be a manifestation of love, therefore it’s like a cookie, best eaten with a glass of warm milk.

So I’m all, ‘Tear down this temple and I will rebuild it in three days’, but that’s not what I said. I said to tear it down and feed it to my hungry brothers and sisters, then we would return and rebuild it in three days. It’s another metaphor. Love and cookies work best when shared freely. Cookies, when kept to yourself, just get moldy and nasty. It gets stale and old and rotten, then you spend all your time trying to keep it from getting nastier, preserving it, putting it in the freezer, protecting it from harm. If you’d just eaten it when it was warm you would have always had fresh cookies. You see it’s not ABOUT the cookie, it’s about sharing the cookie, using the cookie.

The problem was that when I spoke about these things, you all whipped out your little notebooks and wrote down: "Must make cookies. Cookies are sacred. Cookies are the key to everlasting salvation." And you all went off and made little cookie shrines in my name (like I hadn’t seen that before, sheez). Look, it’s for e-a-t-i-n-g. *mimes putting a cookie in mouth, chewing*

But when my hungry brothers and sisters came to taste the cookie, you brushed them off saying, "No, no, no, you mustn’t touch the sacred cookie. That’s one of the blessed mysteries of the church and you went back to the fabrication of more cookies on display under glass."

You can see how it’s a little frustrating. I was the original destroyer of organized religion. I’m not for it. I wasn’t for it. I was a disruptive force, a sacrilege, a heretic, and a subversive influence.

I like to think I was the mad subversive cookie baker.

And I’d hoped you’d all get giddy with cookie baking and serving and just go crazy dishing them out to the corners of the world. Some of you did, God bless you, you got it, but there’s a whole bunch of you who didn’t. I hoped that you’d search out the most lost, the most hungry, the most unloved and offer them a piece of your cookie, and say, "You look hungry, here’s a plate of warm cookies and milk. Best eaten now. We can always make more. Don’t waste your time preserving them."

Get to it man, get to it!

Four Things (Bah!)

I’m going to pull a page from the anti-blogger.   Pretend I’m hip for a sec (I know it’s a stretch, but bear with me).  I would probably respond to the cliquey little meme-tag shit in the following manner.

Four Jobs I’ve had:

  1. Look how freaking poor I am
  2. I’m one of the working class – at least I was for the summer between my sophmore and junior year of college
  3. I’m not a classist bastard
  4. I’m interesting, I swear – I had a bunch of jobs, see?

Four Movies I can watch over and over

  1. I’m artsy
  2. I’m deep
  3. I can play populist too
  4. But deep down bah, who am I kidding? I’m better than you are

Four places I’ve lived

  1. I’m worldly
  2. But a homeboy
  3. Hon, what was the name of that city in Canada where we spent the night that one time?
  4. Thank God in a blue state

Four TV shows I love

  1. No reality TV
  2. I’m quirky – but derivative
  3. I’m a trend-setter
  4. Except for the fact that I watch TV

Four places I’ve vacationed

  1. Remember that part where I could hang with commoners… well forget that
  2. Europe BAAABBBY
  3. Never in a red state
  4. Can I count Europe twice?

Four of my favorite dishes

  1. Something I can’t pronounce
  2. Something I never really ate, but the IDEA, the idea of the dish spoke to me
  3. Something from Europe that can only be found in the expensive trendy import shop around the corner
  4. Not something found in a typical red state super market, or God forbid a Walmart.  Ptooie

Four sites I visit daily

  1. Please don’t type foxnews.com
  2. Please don’t type foxnews.com
  3. Please don’t type foxnews.com
  4. foxnews.com – damn!

Four places I’d rather be right now

  1. At our favorite little French cafe, remember the one from the magazine ad?
  2. In a blue state, preferably San Francisco – well, it damn-well ought to be a state
  3. Somewhere conspicuous, reading anything with "Manifesto" "Media" or "Conspiracy" in the title. To help passers-by check out my hipness, extra points for fabricating a jacket with the title in large print.
  4. Saving the whales in Europe with ropes made of hemp.

Four bloggers I’m tagging

  1. Someone who will increase my page rank
  2. Someone who will increase my hipness
  3. Someone who validates ME
  4. Someone who isn’t in a red state

* BTW, I had to google "blue state"/"red state", because I didn’t know which was which.  You mainlanders are a strange lot, what with your gang colors an’ stuff.

Ezequiel Wants to Paint Cars

“How do you call yourself?” I asked extending my hand.

He mumbled something.  I couldn’t make it out.

“Could you say that again?”

“Escgael,” he said again as I leaned in.

“Eh?  What was that again?”

“Esdasel.”

“Could you write it down please?”  I handed him a pen and paper.  I watched him write out E-Z-E-Q-U-I-E-L. “Ah, from the Bible – the Jewish prophet.  Interesting.  Cool.”

He smiled.

“Okay, now that we have that out of the way, I’m James o Jaime en español.  Pleased to meet you.  So, Ezequiel, first I want to ask you why you came down today?”

“I always come down.”

“Okay, did you come down for a particular reason?”  I always ask this because I’m not sure if a particular inmate is coming to the session for religious study, general chit chat, or just to get out of the general population for a respite.  I can go all religious if need be, but I prefer to weave it all together in a more secular way.  But really, it’s all the same to me.  Me da igual.

“I’d… like to look for… Jesus.”

“Why?”

He shrugged.  Look I don’t know, maybe.  Maybe I felt I was supposed to say that.  Or maybe I was trained to say that.  Or maybe it felt good to say that.  Or maybe I’d like… I dunno.

“What do you want to do?” I asked him.  “What would you rather be doing right now?”

“I’d like to be out of here.”

“Yeah, but if you were out of here, what would you be doing?  What do you like to do.  What would you like to do with your time?”

“Paint cars.”

“You mean like in an auto shop?  Hmmm, that’s interesting.”

We talked, or rather, I talked/asked him about painting cars and his talents and what he liked to do.  He was a quiet kid.  He didn’t say much.

“Hey, you ever see that show on MTV, ‘Pimp My Ride’?  It’s this show where they take an old beat up car and turn it into a work of art.  New seats, new rims, tires, interior, rugs, sound system, televisions, computers, new dash etc.  They always put a super fine paint job on it too.  You want to do something like that?”

“Yeah.”  He smiled his eyes twinkling.  He was still a kid of few words, but he had these twinkling eyes.  I’d have to pay attention to his eyes for clues to his thoughts.

“So, how might you paint these cars?  What would you paint?”

“I don’t know.”

“How about some clouds, and ‘Mi bendición’ with a Puerto Rican flag with a cool metallic ice?”

“Yeah.”  His eyes got wide again.  It’s like I could read his thoughts before he even knew he had them.  I could see him dreaming about his beautiful paint job.  I watched reflections in his eyes of some big aluminium rims, sweet Pirellis, neon in the undercarriage, an awesome fade on the side panels with a Puerto Rican flag waving in the cool tropical breeze.  It was like a big piece of sweet candy and I could see it tasted good to him.

“It’s like art, you know?” I offered.  “One of the things that we share with God is the need to create.  It’s one of the things that takes us back to the divine, compartimos ese rasgo con Dios.  He was sitting there all alone and he had this big nothing, but a lot of love.  He could do no other thing than create… everything.  So great was his love, he created us.  That’s what it’s like when we create.  When we create we are doing the same thing that God did.  We are fulfilling the same need.  We are sharing in the divine.”

Ezequiel nodded.

“So, guess what,” I added. “Lots of famous painters throughout history created paintings on all kinds of places, walls, poles, town squares, floors, ceilings, carriages, you name it.  They painted everything.  Maybe you do this painting on the car that says, Jesus es el salvador or mi salvación, Jesus.  Whatever.”  I thought maybe I was getting corny now.  I pictured in my mind a typical heavily modded import with a rosary and crucifix hanging on the rear view mirror.  Painted on the exterior I saw a big mural of La Señora de la Providencia, an image of the Virgin Mary, with an infant Jesus resting on her lap painted big and fat on the hood.  I saw chrome, lights, a crucified Christ on the door, and a cloud-like father figure emerging from a heavenly scene.

It’s not my taste, for certain, but I loved it.  I see some of the graffiti here and I must say I am in awe of the talent of these kids.  While I wouldn’t own a Jesus-pimped car, I have to say I’d love to look at it.  I’d love to drink it in, enjoy the art, appreciate the expression.  I would stand in awe of such a creation.

I shook Ezequiel’s hand before we left.  It was a pleasure to meet you, I said.  I told him that I dreamed of the car he would paint.  I told him I dreamed the dream as if it was my own.  I wished I could paint that car the way I dreamed it.  But, I told him, I’d probably screw it up.

It was up to him to do it right, because the world needs that car.

Damnit, I won’t go to the vineyard

This is a gospel passage that Laura and I have been getting a kick out of lately.  I am the first son. 

Matthew 21,28-32.

What is your opinion? A man had two sons. He came to the first and said, ‘Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.’ He said in reply, ‘I will not,’ but afterwards he changed his mind and went. The man came to the other son and gave the same order. He said in reply, ‘Yes, sir,’ but did not go. Which of the two did his father’s will?" They answered, "The first." Jesus said to them, "Amen, I say to you, tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God before you. When John came to you in the way of righteousness, you did not believe him; but tax collectors and prostitutes did. Yet even when you saw that, you did not later change your minds and believe him.

"Jim, will you take out the trash?"

"No, I’m busy."  Laura goes off and does something else.  I think about it for a bit, and go take out the trash.

"Jim, a client is requesting a change on X Y or Z."

"Why do they want that?  That’s stupid.  They’re idiots.  They don’t know what they want.  I won’t do it.  I quit!"

Laura goes off and does something else.  I think about it for a bit, and make the change.

I’m such an idiot sometimes, but at least I go to the vineyard and get the job done.  Laura tells me I’m a loveable grouch. 

Now get thee, Jim, to the vineyard.

Where Feminism has Succeeded

I sat down with Olaia last night to read her a book.  "Hmm, let’s see… what shall we read?"  I grabbed a collection from her bookshelf, flipped through the table of contents for something fun to read.  I read the titles aloud so that she may shout out when she heard something she’d like. 

"No.  No.  No," she answered to each of the selections.

"How about Encyclopedia Brown?  I used to read those when I was just a little older than you are now – when I was a little boy.  I always liked Encyclopedia Brown."

"Okay, Daddy, sounds good."

I began to read.  The story started with a little introduction to Encyclopedia Brown’s family.  Idaville was an idyllic little town where no crimes went unsolved.  Encyclopedia’s father was the chief of police.  He was very successful.  Little known to all, though, was the fact that his son Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown was behind his father’s success.  His prodigious intellect had earned him his nickname.  It was a happy family, happy and successful and perfect. Dad was the chief of police and his son was the crime solving engine powering Idaville’s crime-free environment.

"Daddy, what does Encyclopedia Brown’s mommy do?" 

A funny little crooked smile crept onto my face.  "Well gosh, Olaia, that’s a mighty  good question."  Quick Jim, think fast.  What does his mommy do.  I am always unmasked by my insightful daughter.  She has this knack for cutting through pretense and slicing snip snap right to the incongruence of a matter.  Myself, I carry my load of 1970’s preconceptions and "common" sense.  I’m a child of the rising action of the feminist movement, with all its rancor and discord. 

"A woman’s place is in the home," I heard from one. 

"A woman’s place is in the office," came another. 

"Equal rights! Equal rights!" was screamed all around.  What was it all about, I had no idea.  Something was being birthed, but I knew not what.

Fast forward to present day.  Maureen Dowd laments the failures of feminism. "We pushed too hard to be like men.  We took the fun out of being women, and now there’s a backlash.  Now we’ve gone too far the other way, back to sex objects, back to finding husbands to complete us," she flirted in a recent interview with Tim Russert. "Maybe some things stuck, though."

How do I explain to Olaia what Encyclopedia’s mom did without demeaning her role?  After all, she loved her family, we just didn’t notice her. 

I didn’t notice her. 

"Olaia, back when this book was written, mommies didn’t work outside of the home as much.  People didn’t like for them to have jobs, so they took care of their families.  They would cook dinner, clean, and make sure everybody was okay.  Things have changed since then.  It was a long time ago, but now mommies and daddies work together in the house and outside of the house.  Mommies can do anything they want.  Does that make sense."

Olaia had noticed her, and now that I had explained myself and Encyclopedia’s unnamed mother, she was ready to go.  "Yes, okay, let’s read the book."

Of course it made sense to her.  What didn’t make sense was there was no mention of Encyclopedia’s mommy and what she did.  For all intents she didn’t exist except as an apron clad figure serving a casserole to Encyclopedia Brown and his dad.

Today’s beautiful "common" sense is the unassailable expectation that girls can do anything boys can do – anything they desire.  It’s as common and natural as anything could ever be, as real as conceived, born, nurtured, educated, tortured, and eventually fully grown.  Feminism and feminists should take heart.  Today’s girls and young ladies come of age with a new common sense, a new and entirely distinct awareness of what is possible and expected of them.

And my lovely lovely little girl, Olaia, what of her?  She gets to wear a dress if she wants too.  She gets to study what interests her.  She gets to be what she was meant to be without the limiting oligarchy of generations past. 

And my personal observation:  overlook her insight at your own peril.

The Last “War” of the United States

Ha! I was looking for information to clear up just what my status is as a veteran, having been mobilized for Iraqi Freedom in March of 2003.  We were on active duty for 89 days before Bush declared victory and sent everyone home.  Ahem.

So, because I’d like to know, I’m looking around for information about benefits (if any) to which I am entitled for my obviously worthless 89 days of active duty service in time of war.  I was wrong, dead wrong, it turns out. 

War it is not, never been.  Funny, it tastes like war, though.  I smack my lips.  It’s kinda bitter with a smokey flavor.  They call it a war, use it to justify "wartime" suppression of civil liberty and routine ass-wiping with the Constitution, but let’s not fight over little words, shall we.  We’ve got a war to fight.  WTF?! There you go again with the "W" word.  Geez!

Then I found this on the Office of Personal Management for the US Federal Government:

War Service Creditable for Veterans Preference.  In the absence
of statutory definition for "war" and "campaign or expedition," OPM considers
to be "wars" only those armed conflicts for which a declaration of war was issued
by Congress.  The title 38, U.S.C., definition of "period of war," which
is used in determining benefits administered by the Department of Veterans Affairs,
includes the Vietnam Era and other armed conflicts.  That title 38 definition
is NOT applicable for civil service purposes.

Thus the last "war" for which active duty is qualifying for Veterans preference
is World War II.  The inclusive dates for World War II service are December
7, 1941, through April 28, 1952.

I blinked.  I read it twice.  So, the OPM for purposes of preference, only considers those that fought in WWII (The last declared war) to be veterans.  Those ranks are getting pretty thin, I’d say.

I read it again.  So what this is saying is that the last armed conflict for which the people of the United States had a say was WWII (I always knew that, but to see it put so bluntly was startling).  Put another way, the last time our duly elected representatives in Congress declared war was 1941.

Doesn’t that seem funny to anyone?  Funny, not in the "ha ha" sense, but funny in the "we’ve lost complete control of our country" sense.  From Truman, to Lyndon B, to Reagan to Bush Sr. to Bush Jr.  we have engaged in one "conflict" after another, all of which were deemed to be of "utmost" national importance, but not quite enough to get the endorsement of the American people with an official declaration of war.  These conflicts were important, we were told – important to whom?  Obviously though, they were not important enough for the failsafe vote in Congress to sanctify the "war."  Don’t worry your puny little minds with these big and complicated issues of "national security" we were/are told. 

We will protect you.

And don’t worry about the messy little details like Americans dying and being maimed.  It’s all for a good and noble cause, just not good and noble enough for a vote of the representatives of the people of the United States of America.  Details details.

I am Ready

A few weeks ago, I was driving Laura’s family’s green Mercury Mystique back to her father’s office.  Laura’s brother Carlos was coming back into town, back from a year in Iraq, and I was leaving the car for him.  Something caught my eye in the compartment below the radio, that little shelf for nick-nacks.  It was his basic bio info card from MIT Sloan.  I looked it over, it had things like: Your undergraduate school, your major, jobs you’ve held, activities, sports, hobbies, languages etc.  Then I got to one in the middle, “Word that best describes you,” and Carlos had written “Ready.”  I smiled in agreement.  I let it rattle around in my brain, bounce off the corners, clanging and jangling and knocking about.

How few of us are ready – really ready for anything, let alone a year in Iraq.  Let’s not put the bar too high, though, shall we?  Ready is a state, not of flaccid inactivity, like a garden hose waiting to be filled with water.  Ready does not imply inactivity, waitfullness, standby status, or lack of will.  Mohammad Ali said it best,

“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

Bruce Lee had a similar mantra:

“Do not be tense, just be ready, not thinking but not dreaming, not being set but being flexible. It is being “wholly” and quietly alive, aware and alert, ready for whatever may come.”

Let your state of inaction be one guided by the possibility of movement in any direction.  When the time for action comes, let it be swift, precise and guided by knowledge, training, wisdom, and purpose.

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2025 El Gringoqueño

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑