The following is a series of posts that I started and never finished. I’m going to take the lazy man’s way out, thanks to Slashdot and post my very own slashback, or collection of random snippets of drivel.

The Grapes

I was driving along, doing 62 in a 60, when I came upon a little bunch of cars huddled as they were clinging to a lone police car putt-putting along at a mere 50 miles per hour. Eh?

I wove left. I wove right. I merged. I passed. I sped back up to 62 and continued on my merry way leaving the bunch of grapes behind me slow rolling along at 50 mph. What is wrong with those people? I thought.

Maybe they needed to ripen.

The police car pulled over and squatted on his haunches in the little u-turn lane specially placed for speed traps. I soon saw a celebration, a bursting forth of grapes as they rolled from the table, free, free at last, spilling forth in jubilation, bursting with exuberance.

One by one, they zipped past me at 70, zoom, zoom zoom, Doppler effect, Doppler effect. They rolled into the distance, skipping and dancing with joy.

Silly grapes.

Ice Helps with Swelling

The outdoor hotel lobby of the El Conquistador screamed with pain. Yells and angry words seemed to emanate from a disturbance of some sort. I couldn’t make out the root cause of the commotion, but never mind, the damage was done. A blond, Dawg bounty hunter looking type and a smaller darker man had possession of a large German Shepard. They seemed to be yelling at security. Security seemed to be "discussing" something with them. The yellow haired man said something about the dog, the leash, and, look, he’s tranquil. I don’t know, but I watched security guard after security guard pour into the scene. I watched what seemed a stream of bell boys and curious hotel employees gather around the wound to gawk, their hands shoved deep into their pockets. If there were to be rumble, I want to see it, they seemed to say.

Problem is, what could have been a simple matter really should have been handled better by the staff at a four star hotel. Let’s say the blond man and his friend were in the wrong. Maybe there was a guest scared by the dog, maybe they didn’t allow the dog into the shuttle, maybe… I don’t know. If the dog wasn’t allowed on the shuttle with other guests, they should have gotten a separate shuttle for him. If he was drunk and unreasonable, they could have disarmed him with a smile and a free something maybe another drink, a pretty girl… anything. They could have offered the dog a spa. They could have offered to give them all a free passes to something, offered to walk the dog. I don’t know, but anybody who has any experience dealing with different cultures, like one would expect in a four star hotel, should have been more deft at dealing with such a situation. It was embarrassing, it was pathetic. By the time I paid my parking fee and left, the scene seemed straight out of high school. All that was missing were the chants, of "fight fight fight!"

Welcome to Puerto Rico, where we don’t know how to deal with confrontation and unpleasant situations and gawking is a national pastime.

Let’s get it straight people. If you are not directly aiding in calming the situation, you are MAKING IT WORSE. Ice it. Don’t inflame it.

Oh, and by the way, I vote to revoke El Conquistador’s four star rating.

It is Your Destiny, Luke

Or, as Olaia corrected Darth Vader, "It’s not destiny, it’s a choice!"

–while watching Return of the Jedi. 

If She Was Any Other Woman…

Me: I can’t help it if you married a woman, my dear.

Laura: Yeah *laughs*

Me: Thank God you’re such a man, or we’d just be an old lesbian couple.

Fox News has Ceased to be Entertaining

I am ashamed to admit it… aw who am I kidding, I’m not ashamed. I watch Fox News. At least I did. Recently it has become a bad parody of itself. It’s not even entertaining anymore. And let’s face it, that’s the only reason to watch cable news.

Once, I found them amusing infotainment, but no longer.

Even today’s Bikini Murderer story, complete with gorgeous blond college aged victim found strangled to death with a string bikini isn’t enough to pull me in. I just don’t know you anymore Fox. You used to be fair and balanced. *wipes tear from eye*

Let’s go back to CNN… wait, scratch that. I forgot why I left your snaggle-toothed ass the first time. OMFG, I want to tear my eyes out. Between the giggling sorority girls and Lou Dobbs interviewing for a job at Fox News, I can’t take more than a few minutes. Besides, BOOOORRRRIIIINNNNGGG. You don’t even have the Bikini Murderer.

Guess the Daily Show is all I’ve got. I shall cling to you, Daily Show, for all my infotainment needs, cling to you I shall, for you are honest in your values.

You profess to be a show with no news, yet you are the Tao of news. You are so "news free," that the purity of your veins in which flows news is the newsiest news that was ever broadcast as news from your veins. Your every denial augments your stature, oh newsy-one.

I’m on to you, you allegory of news, you. Quee-Queg, fetch my harpoon.