Category: Chat with Jesus (Page 1 of 2)

Jesus: Mother Teresa was a great lady. She was a great and wonderful person. I say this because it makes me sad to see she was not happy.

I guess I knew it. I’d heard her cries in the darkness. She was tortured.

She was tortured by what though? What was it that was eating her up inside?

Host: Audience? I see that Jesus is pausing for us to ponder his question. What do you say, audience? What was Mother Teresa tortured by?

*audience member struggles to his feet*

Yes, you, hold on, here I come.

Audience Member: *out of breath* Yes, I think she was tortured by her doubt. She had lost her belief and was trying to gain it back.

Jesus: Well, that’s what she writes in her letters. But let me ask you… *smiles* because I like asking these questions. In what had she lost her faith? What was this "belief" she was trying to get back? Belief in what?

Audience Member: Ummm

Host: Let’s ask someone else. You there –

Audience Member 2: *grabbing microphone* I, um, think she had lost her faith in you? She wasn’t sure if she believed in God? Maybe she lost her belief in prayer? Maybe Satan had gotten to her.

Jesus: Maybe we’re getting closer, but we’re still a long way off. Let me do my best to answer this question. From what I can tell, all Mother Teresa lost was her belief in orthodoxy. Since orthodoxy was the foundation of her spiritual life, she found that when she lost her way with regard to the objectification of her faith as put forth by the Catholic Church… sure enough, she lost her faith, her belief in the way. It all got tossed by the wayside because she had never stripped it down enough to recognize it in its nakedness.

Orthodoxy is like paint. Sometimes it’s pretty, serves a function and works well enough. But sometimes it covers up some deep rust, scars in the structure and foundations. When we can’t strip away the paint and check out the undercarriage, give it some maintenance, we’re doomed to catastrophic failure. ‘Cause paint, although nice, doesn’t keep the ship from sinking.

I like to be certain about the root of things.

You like to be certain, right?

Audience: *in unison* Yes Lord!

Jesus: *laughing* That just reminded me of a movie. Sorry *stifles guffaw*. Where were we?

Certainty.

An older priest went on a sabbatical to spend some time with the Missionaries of Charity. He had been in a spiritual crisis, and upon meeting Mother Teresa, asked her to pray for his clarity. She laughed at him and walked away, refusing with a flip of her hand. Baffled and confused, the priest asked her why? Why wouldn’t she pray for him. He sought clarity.

I know what she thought. She thought to herself, "clarity is a pipe dream, honey. There is no clarity. Don’t you think if anybody had clarity, I’d have it? Clarity is something I’ve sought my whole life. And it has eluded me."

That is just so sad, my friends. You complicate everything. You complicate and sour those very things that should bring you joy. You codify and organize and arrange – until you’re left with these tasteless, joyless morsels. Ughggg who can eat that stuff.

God = Love

Equal as in the same. What is love, but empathy, caring. Love is not mimickry. Love is not rules. Love is not "going through the motions" out of stubborn devotion, out of some misguided duty to ME. Men, how would it make you feel if you found out your wives were faking orgasms?

Not too good, huh.

Well, I don’t feel very good when you do the same. Do you bear the stench of the homeless old man, because he is Jesus, putting up with him for your chits in heaven. Slog your way through the unpleasantness to get to the creamy filling.

*sarcasm* Lovely.

Personally, it doesn’t do a thing for me, and it shouldn’t for you either. It’s a waste. It wastes my time, and it wastes yours.

Love is empathy. Empathy is projecting yourselves, getting outside of your mortal shell and into the hearts of others. I don’t want you to help the dirty, miserable, craven, pathetic, misguided, or criminal. I want you to LOVE them. What does love mean. Love compels you to help them.  You should be passionate about that.  Love is acceptance. Love doesn’t judge. Love isn’t proud. Love doesn’t despair. Love is a force multiplier. Love is infectious. Love is sincere. Love is binding.

In that connection, that connection of love, within its tendrils as they intertwine amongst you all, between rich and poor, between self-righteous and humble, between the smug and the doubtful is where I dwell.

Let me tell you what you will do, people. Here it is. You will do this because it will make you happy. It will bring you joy.

Connect with each other. Reach out to your enemies and love them, especially those that would hurt you, fear you. Love them more, because they need it. Love them not as a sacrifice, but as a joy. Don’t worry about the outcome. Outcomes will take care of themselves and beside you don’t love for the outcome of it, do you?

And if you’re looking for me, know that I am Love, that it is in your true and sincere devotion to one another that I exist.

And if you fake it, it doesn’t work.

I will still love you though.

Host: We got this note from J a bit ago and have been waiting in anticipation for the Christmas season to figure out just what he’s saying. Christmas not about Christ?! How can that be. He’s the man though, so we figured we’d give him an opportunity to explain.

Welcome back, Jesus. I think we’re set here to beat the ratings from the last show.

Jesus: Cool, I’m glad to help.

Host: Okay, so you notice the decorations in the studio, right?

Jesus: Oh yeah, sure. I love it – the Santa Claus’s, the reindeer, the elves, garland, wreaths. I like the tree and presents too. Very festive.

Host: Doesn’t it bother you a bit, though? I mean, it is called Christ-mas. Doesn’t it bother you how secular it’s all become?

Jesus: I don’t think it’s secular at all. It’s actually all about giving and charity. Maybe sometimes we get carried away with buying stuff, but I’ll give you all points for getting close to the mark.

Host: So you don’t mind the secular giving aspect. How come though, you don’t like the Christ part?

Jesus: It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s kinda more along the lines of I’m a little bit embarrassed by the whole homage. Let me ask you something. My disciples called me Rabbi. What does rabbi mean in English?

Host: Anyone out there? You there in the middle.

Eli: Hi, my name is Eli. Rabbi means "teacher."

Jesus: Yeah, that’s it. They used to call me teacher. I loved teaching. A teacher is primarily what I am. Let me ask another question: if a student wishes to honor his teacher, how should he go about it?

Host: An apple? Clean the blackboard? Stay after class and organize books… do extra credit?

Jesus: Um, I think that’s probably called a sucking-up.

No, I’m after something simpler. Think about your teachers. Didn’t you kinda take them for granted? But doesn’t what they taught you stick with you to this day? Sure, a thank you is nice, but a teacher isn’t really doing it for the thanks. Look at the thanks I got, for Christ’s sake!

No, a teacher is happiest when his students fly, when he disappears into the wall, and his students take to the field and use that knowledge. A teacher takes the most joy in inspiring his students. A teacher loves his students. A teacher cares about what he is teaching. What he teaches is important. If the student thinks it’s important too… well, that’s all that’s required.

A student honors his teacher by following his teachings. A student that cares about the subject and seeks to improve and continue to learn is worth more than all the "Teacher of the Year" awards in the world. It’s even better than a fat salary.

So, Christmas is nice and all, but it’s sort of the shiny apple placed on my desk as you leave the classroom. I like apples, don’t get me wrong. I’ll eat the apple, but I’d prefer it if you would take my lesson home and eat it up instead.

So, Christmas? I like it. It’s a nice holiday, but I was born in September.

Keep up your good works. Keep and honor your brothers and sisters.

Happy Holidays!

I: Jesus, my man, what do you have for us today?

J: I’m glad to see you’re loosening up a bit.  I’m just here during Holy Week to throw out a little bone for those of you into the whole worship thing.  While you’re all running around preparing for Good Friday and Easter, I’d like to reprise my last outing here.

I: The cookie one?

J: Yeah, the cookie one.  It seems that a few of you business types needed a change of vocabulary to get the cookie theme.  So I’m gonna hit from a different angle. 

Let pretend that cookies are capital.  I’m talking in economic terms now.  Cookies are capital.  I give you a cookie.  What are you going to do with it?

I: Um, eat it or share it?

J: Yes, but more to the point, you’re going to use the cookie for something.  The purpose of a cookie is easy to divine.  You are going to use the cookie for some purpose for which it was intended.  If it was a gift, you will say thank you and probably enjoy it.  You probably wouldn’t reply, ‘What the hell are you giving me this cookie for?  I didn’t ask for it.  What am I supposed to do with it?’  That’s just silly, right?

I: I guess.  That would be pretty stupid.  I mean, cookies are tasty.

J: Exactly what I’m saying!  Now what if you’re on a diet?  Do you have the right to get upset if I give you a cookie?

I: No, I think good manners would dictate that you would find something to do with the cookie if you weren’t going to eat it.

J: If you are a thoughtful person, you would show good manners. A gift is a gift.  You’re just not allowed to complain about gifts. 

So anyway, I hand you some capital.  I give you some money.  What are you going to do with it?  Bury it?  Hide it?  Preserve it in some way?  Make it last as long as possible?  If you know anything about money, you know it’s more valuable right now than it is in the future.  That’s why people pay interest rates to get it right now.  An interest rate represents the present value of future money.

People with a purpose for the dough will pay through the nose to get it right now so they can put it to good use and hopefully earn more than what they paid for it.

Now, say I just hand it to you.  I give you a non-taxable lump sum on the order of a couple million smackers.  What do you do with it?

I: Gosh, that’s such an improbable event, I’d not thought about it.

J: Not many people have, but I’ll tell you what; they should.  Capital is like your life.  If you don’t know what you’d do with it immediately, then you don’t know what you’re doing.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, then you’d better drop EVERYTHING and figure it out pretty damn quick.  Your investors are getting antsy ’cause you’re wasting the capital.  You’re wasting the cookie.  It’s getting moldy, and your capital is losing value to inflation.

Your life is a big pile of capital that needs to be used RIGHT NOW.  It’s most valuable RIGHT NOW.  It can only make a difference RIGHT NOW.

Notice a pattern?

I don’t think anyone would curse me for giving them a pile of capital.  Why do you think they get upset that they have a life? I know life is hard sometimes.  I really do know.  Yet, to have it is a blessing.  It is a grace bestowed for which you didn’t ask.  You don’t deserve it.  Whether you deserve the cookie, capital, or your life is irrelevant, totally and completely irrelevant.  What is relevant is that you’ve got something that few have, that few have the opportunity to use. There is a whole lot of life in the universe just busting to come out and live.  Not everyone has the opportunity you have right now. 

So, Mr. Business Guy, what is it gonna be?  Are you going to offend your biggest investor, ME?  Do you want put the capital to good use, or are you going to sit on it and fret.  Capital is not to be preserved, just as cookies are not to be kept under glass, and your life not lived in quiet seclusion far from danger.

Now get busy, Time is Money.  I don’t want to have to fire you. *wink*

I: (Clapping)  Welcome back to our show.  We’ve got a real doozy scheduled here today.  Since it’s November sweeps, we’re finally going to have the show that you’ve all been waiting for.  Jesus is here to give us the low down on what the bad stuff is?

J: What would that be?

I: Why, sin, of course.

J: Oh, that.

I: So, Jesus, would you like to tell us what it’s all about?  What is sin?  What are we not allowed to do?  What do you consider bad stuff?

J: Hmm.  Well, you’re all sinners, and you’ll never hope to not be.  Got it?  Okay, good, that’s our show.

I: (sweating) Umm, Jesus, don’t you have any more than that?  We’ve got a half hour to fill here.  I thought there would be more.

J: (smiling)  A-ha, gotcha.  I had you going there, didn’t I?  Sorry, that’s my slightly impish human side coming out.  Sorry, really, I’m sorry, but there’s some truth to what I just said.  Sin is simple, and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with it, in that it is a state from which there is no possible escape.  Sin is your natural state of being.

Now, before everybody despairs, I just want to say, it’s okay.  The test is graded on a curve.  Sin is relative.  Since nobody is perfect, everybody is imperfect, and since everybody is imperfect, you only have to do the best you can.

So what is the best I can?

I: That’s what we all want to hear.

J: I got an email the other day.  It’s pretty typical, really.  It’s one of the multitudes of morally righteous, outraged, “Our society is going to hell in a hand-basket if we don’t corral these wicked people”  style diatribes.  The basis of the email was indignation at the Georgia Tech’s hosting of some sort of Gay and Lesbian fair.  It detailed all the typical propaganda points of distasteful ways in which this group of society lives its life:  Anal sex, condom use, partners, piercings, flamboyant dress, everything that could possibly offend the conservative portions of society about how “bad” and “evil” and “distasteful” these people are.  It detailed how superior are the good and God-fearing among you.  How could you not be good?  You’re offended by this perversion.  Bravo, you are special.

I: I’m sensing sarcasm.

J: You bet your sweet ass!  Nothing irritates me more than this form of moral superiority.  Look how bad and corrupt these people are.  Look how great and good and pure I am because I’m not doing those things.  In fact, I’m defending the “righteous” way, but telling everyone how bad these people are and warning them to not send their children to such a corrupt and despicable school.  Imagine, trying to understand our fellow humans, bridge a cultural gap, and bring one another closer in brotherhood.  The nerve.

No, sin, is a state in which you all live.  It’s not bad per say, but sin is something that refers to a lost opportunity, a  lost opportunity to do something good, not not doing something bad.  Purity isn’t abstinence.  Purity isn’t temperance.  Purity isn’t what you don’t do.

Example:  instead of judging gays and lesbians and any “other” that offends you, why don’t you go with love and get to know them?  A lot of people in this outcast community live difficult lives.  They either have to hide who they are, or live it out in the open, in your face style.  They are starved for love and acceptance and have been burned so many times they attempt to beat you to the punch, so to speak.  I reject you before you reject me.

Why not do the contrary thing?  You are trying to offend me, but I love you anyway.  I accept you.  Let’s find common ground.

Sure, a promiscuous lifestyle isn’t very good for you, health-wise or emotionally, but neither is being fat, an alcoholic, or intolerant.  Sin is the thing over which you trip, but not tripping in an of itself isn’t the point.  Show me a person who never tripped in his life, and I’ll show you someone who didn’t do anything.  I’ll show you a person who wasted his life.  Now that is what really offends me.

Want to know what offends me?  Go to church every Sunday, live a quiet comfortable life without offending anyone, without helping anyone, without taking any risks.  Live a good life of piety and with the self-satisfaction that you are a “good” person because you’ve done no wrong.  That offends me.  Bigtime.

Show me a gay man who has gay sex with his partner and marches in a gay pride parade and works in the Mission District of San Francisco in his free time, who fights for the rights of AIDs infected children to be adopted by loving gay couples, who is kind to strangers and invites them into his home, and I’ll show you someone who’s doing what he should be doing.  He loves his significant other.  He’s committed to love and  inspired by it to reach out to others and help them.  He doesn’t worry about himself and what people will think, or what the laws say about his rights with his significant other, or what laws say about gay couples adopting, or the multitudes of slights both big and small that he has to deal with every day by virtue of being a minority.  Does he have love in his heart?  Yes?  Well then, forget the fact that his lifestyle offends you.  Get over it.  It doesn’t bother me, why should it bother you?

I: But, Jesus, not to disagree with you, but are there some things that are absolutely right and absolutely wrong?  I mean isn’t moral relativism the slippery slope to decay and decadence and ultimate destruction?

J: (big booming God voice) Yey, verily, I shall rain fire and brimstone upon your sinful cities and wipe them from the face of the earthly kingdom.  I shall purge your wickedness so that I may be satisfied.

I: (silence)

J: (haha) Got you again.  *reaches for the bowl of cocktail nuts and pops a few* No, dude, that’s Old Testament stuff.  *munching* Look, the Divine Creator got a good healthy dose and appreciation of sin when he sent me.  Dad, just couldn’t figure out why you guys keep running around in the dark beating on each other when you were scared.  He said to me once, ‘Son, I created them.  I used the universe to breathe life into that which was devoid.  They didn’t have any right to exist, but I gave them a gift.  Why do they wail and gnash their teeth so?  Why do they not give thanks to the cosmos for birthing them?  Why does this not inspire them to greatness?’

And I said, ‘Dad, you don’t understand sin, do you?  I think I need to experience what the universe is through their eyes.  I need to feel their pain, their doubt, their limited state of being.’

So, I did.  I experienced it all: doubt, fear, and death.  I think I get what it’s like, which is why I’m here today.  Don’t worry about sin.  It’s your perpetual state of being.  It’s simply a condition under which you all live.  If it is a universal constant to the human condition, that is, it applies to EVERYONE, it is irrelevant.  Sin doesn’t matter.  Forget about it.

So, parents, if you want the best for your children or yourselves, embrace those that offend you.  Get to know them, take the opportunity to share in love with those that might be having a tough time.  Purity isn’t “not drinking” “not having sex before marriage” “not doing drugs” “going to church” and “not being gay.”  What I want for you is for you to be honest with yourselves and try as hard as you can to love the other no matter how much they offend you.

Love them EVEN when they are trying to kill you.  I mean, really really really LOVE them.  Feel it down in your bones, not as a sacrifice, but as a joy.  When I got nailed to that cross and I said, “forgive them Father for they know not what they do.”  I wasn’t saying that for my sake, like, ‘Look how holy I am, I can forgive those that would kill me.’  No, I was making a plea to the Father for them to feel just for a brief instant in their lives the love I felt for them at that moment.  For if they could feel it just for a second, if they could feel the rapture of it all, then they would realize that sin is irrelevant, and that before they got to know me, their lives were wasted on fear and hate and idle gossip, pettiness, and intolerance.  If they could have just for a second accepted that love and allowed themselves to be remade by it, then there would be no thing too hard, no mission too difficult, and nothing in the universe that did not bring them joy.

Peace out, my brothers and sisters.  I love you ALL.

From our ongoing chat with Jesus.

I: Welcome back, Jesus.  We’re glad to have you.

J: Good to be here.

I: Hey, Jesus, I wanted to ask you about Obedience.  It seems to be all the rage now.  “Be obedient” be Christ-like.  Submit to authority, go with the flow. etc.  It’s seemingly in vogue these days, and I’d like to get your take on it.

J: That’s cool, man.  Let me just begin by saying.  I wasn’t obedient.  Oh, sure to the Father, but here in meatspace?  Absolutely not.  Obedience is a precious thing.  You don’t give it out to just anyone.  It’s yours and yours alone.  I mean, that’s one of the cornerstones of the universe – free will – you own it, it’s yours, but don’t try to get out of it either.  ‘I was just following orders’ didn’t work for the Nazi’s.  It won’t work for you.

Frankly I don’t want you to be obedient.  I want you to rouse the rabble, shake the dust off of institutions, kick hypocrisy in the gut, make those in authority answer to justice.  Keep it real.  Make the world a better place.

I really don’t know where you people got this *^$&…. pardon me, can I say that?

I: Um, no.  Don’t worry, you don’t mind if we bleep you, right?

J: Sure no problem, I thought we were on cable.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, I don’t know where a good many followers got the idea that being Christian means just going with the flow, being obedient, passive, and peaceful.  What part of the Passion seemed peaceful to you?

I: Um, none of it?

J: Absolutely right, but I had an agenda and that agenda was to break down, or at least show how confining the old social religious structures were.  I tore down the temple and fed it to the people who were starving.  And they were starving, starving for inclusion, love, acceptance.  They were subjugated by an authority that didn’t serve them, and worse yet, devalued them.  I got waxed because I was dangerous, not obedient.

Actually, it’s kinda funny, Mom always said my mouth would get me in trouble.  I understood her preoccupation, but it’s weird how she was right, isn’t it?

Well, there you go.  Obedience is wack, man.  Are the kids still saying ‘wack’?

I: I think so, perhaps it’s faded a bit from the popular lexicon.

J: Now, since I am trying to be less obtuse these days, I’ll just leave you with this caveat:  Obedience is truly a hugely important trait/gift/virtue.  Be very careful to whom you give it.  I gave it to a higher calling, my vocation, my mission.  I did not rest my obedience in the hands of men, although I am perhaps a special case.  You know, you all have to place at least some measure of obedience in the hands of those that guide governments, churches, etc. but, all I can say is this:

Give it begrudgingly – very begrudgingly

Peace out.

I: Welcome back again.  We’ve just got a ton to talk about, and since Jesus seems to be indulging us, we’re just going to keep right on rolling.  J, I’ll be blunt.  What do you think about Pat Robertson’s comments about el Presidente, Hugo Chavez of Venezuela?

J: What do you mean, ‘what do I think’? I can imagine you want me to condemn Robertson for making such a comment, or perhaps you want me to justify them because he’s a ‘Man of God.’  Maybe you want to see me squirm. Or maybe, just maybe you really want to know the answer.  What is the Truth?

I:  – That last one.

J: Okay, I’m in a good mood, so I’ll just spill it all out.  You people, and I mean that in the kindest of all ways *rolls eyes*, have this tendency to… um, I don’t know, screw up.  You make mistakes.  You act in thoughtless selfish ways.  You get lost in your anger and fear.  But hey, you know, it’s okay.  Well, not okay okay but you know what I mean.  It happens.  Look, if I ever wanted anything done around here, that is, if I had to employ you in beneficial service of human-kind, and I waited for a perfect person… well, let’s just say, I’d still be waiting.  No, I’ve got to pick the flawed to serve.  Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., one of my favorites, I’ll never forget what he said to me, ‘Jesus, I’m not worthy.  I can’t serve you.  Why did you pick me?  I’m a poor poor man.’ 

I laughed in his face.  ‘Martin,’ I said, ‘I’ve been looking for someone for 400 years to help out with this slavery/apartheid thing, and where’s that gotten us.  I’m afraid you’re the best we’ve got.  Sometimes you go to war with the army you have, not the army you want.’  Apologies to Rummy.  ‘But seriously, Martin, if we don’t do something about life in America, right now, we’re going to lose another generation.  You can do something about it right now.  Sure, you’re not perfect, but at this moment, you’re the best.  You’re the best chance of helping me fulfill my promise.  Won’t you help me Martin?’  So I ended up saying Martin, I need your help.  Don’t give me that crap about how you’re not perfect, or you’ll screw it up, or whatnot.  I need your help, and I think you can do the job.

What can you take from that?  Well, for one, the Son of God asking for help?!  I mean comeon.  That’s heavy.  I may be the Son of God, but I have an ego the size of some quantum particle you haven’t discovered yet.  I ask for help every day.  I’ve asked you all for help.  You can respond in a variety of ways.  You can ignore it, say no you’re too busy, cry about how you’re not worthy, or just suck it up and make it happen.

And how does this all relate to Chavez, Robertson, and foreign policy?  First of all, if you fix on what I’ve been saying, you’ll notice that I promote, not demote.  Robertson and Bush and the US State Department have a big beef with Chavez right now.  I’ll grant that he’s been a agitator.  He’s no angel, let me tell you, but he has done some good things.  He’s sponsored Cuban doctors in South America in medical programs for the poor.  He’s helped the poor in his own country.  He’s forging an alliance with an isolated and ravaged country.  Maybe his motivations are wrong, but the best thing any person in the US State Department can do right now to steal his thunder, his rhetoric…

Give him a round of applause.  Hey Hugo, I like what you’re doing down there.  We stand with the people of Venezuela, and congratulate a leader like you for your concern for the downtrodden and mistreated.  Is there anything we can do to help?

Is it naive?  It won’t work, you say?

Like what you’re doing now is working so well, right?

Peace out.