Sometimes I think that the black
bile will overwhelm me, fill me up to my eyeballs with anger and
despair, anger at those in power that have not accepted the true
responsibility to those they serve, and despair at being so utterly
powerless to affect the change that I feel this world so desperately
needs.
Here I am with this stinking goo leaking out of me, affecting
those around me, venom poisoning relationships, attitudes, positive
change, weighing down, hanging in the air with its foul putrefying
odor.
I was speaking to my dear old friend Courtney the other day, and
she said, "It’s just that the complete powerlessness… I mean,
the Bush administration just makes me feel so… powerless." I
had been feeling so under the weather about the present state of the
world, my military service, my military fellows, Laura’s brother
Carlos who has been put on standby to be sent to Iraq. I wanted to
scream and point out this evil mist that had settled over American
society. I couldn’t scream though, buried as I was in my own
excrement.
I have been working so hard, seems like 17 hours a day, and
getting nowhere. Oppressing me is this shroud of ugliness both from
within and without, angry, nasty, vile, desperate thoughts, as I hear
Fox News in the background, parroting cheerful messages of war and
how liberals are undermining America. Hello, people?! We’re at fucking
WAR. You’re prisoners in your OWN homes! And your government thinks
you’re all criminals and wants to SPY on all of you! Liberals are doing
what again?!
I toil for clients that don’t pay, put up with ingrates,
degenerates, and malcontents, while I hear Bush’s administration’s
"stop loss" shenanigans, designed as a back door draft,
whose purpose is to keep in harm’s way those that have already
sacrificed so much. Bush is taking advantage of the faithful service
of thousands of Americans pressing them into involuntary servitude
beyond their enlistment contracts, beyond their retirement, beyond
any measure of good faith that should have been rendered to them.
This comes from a man who did everything he could to avoid military
service himself, who never sacrificed, who didn’t do shit. Look!
daddy set me up in a cool airplane! Chicks dig pilots. Do you
think, Mr. President that chicks dig disabled veterans? Of course
you don’t Mr. President, despite what you’ve read in Penthouse.
Does it make me feel powerless in the face of this evil dictator
who acts like he owns the country? This is our country, dammit! Bush
is the CEO, we elected him to the board, but we shareholders own the
thing. It’s our country, but he wields it like his personal
conviction with his smug little smirk and federalist totalitarian
self. Midget dictator, fucking creep, smug bastard, beady eyed
miscreant, bible thumping wacko, American society hostage taking
fool, abuser of military service, arrogant trampler of civil rights,
and big business whore.
I was asked recently if I had seen Fahrenheit 9/11. Hell, no, I
responded. I’ve lived it! Why would I want to drag myself through
that shit, something to make me feel more powerless, less
significant, less valued, and a victim of a presidency gone horribly
awry. Fuck that, I can get that from Fox News, and the fucking
erroneous pay or die letters I get from the Defense Finance and
Accounting Service (DFAS) for recoupment of military service WHICH I
PERFORMED! Fuckers.
There, I’ve let some of the ugliness out, exorcised some of my
demons. Whew, it felt good. You know what. If I were ever on Inside
the Actor’s Studio (which I won’t be), FUCK would be my favorite
expletive… there’s such a nice draining feeling to it, like a good
satisfying puss-filled pimple pop.
I think I’ll go sit next to Laura and see if she’ll put up with me
now.