El Gringoqueño

All a man needs out of life is a place to sit ‘n’ spit in the fire.

Archive for March, 2006

DTOP Schenanegans Part Dos

Tuesday, March 28th, 2006

The whole mess of fraudulent fines is blowing up here now.  The local paper is featuring the story and outrage on the front page.  Through the article, I learned that I can go online and check my driver’s record to see just what fines I supposedly owe.  Okay, cool, I’ll at least be able to see what they have fabricated for my fine-paying pleasure.

THEY DON’T EVEN SHOW THE SAME AMOUNT.

Let me repeat that.  The hard copy printed letter on paper, that had to come from somewhere, that had to be generated from something by someone, doesn’t even match what they have in their own database - not even close.

I knew criminals were stupid.

Supposedly, I was driving through red lights hours away in Mayaguez a week after 9/11.  DTOP shows a fine for $30 and no license plate number.  So apparently I was jogging through red lights on the other side of the Puerto Rico with my special jogging sneakers and super powers.  Luckily I had my license so that they could indicate the proper fine for flying through red lights with an invisible car or something.

BAH!  So where does the $120 come from?  I think they just made it up, pulled a number from their collective ass, and called out -

Hah, schenanegans on me.  You kidders you.

Gingerbread House

Friday, March 24th, 2006

In orbit around the Earth, they were safe, safe and isolated from the depths of space by their craft, their suits, their technology.  They were safe from the vacuum, the cold, the radiation, and small chunks of debris. They were as safe and comfortable as in their kitchen sipping tea and reading the Times.  "Martha, will you fetch me some toast?  Thanks, you’re an angel."  Thanks to the wonderful technology of their deep space craft and its marvelous systems, designed by the finest minds of 22st century Earth and swaddled as they were in their cradles of poly-alloy something, they had not a care in the world.  Not a one.

"What was that?" Justin breathed into his helmet microphone.  "I think I heard something."

A voice responded.  It was helm control.  "I dunno," he whispered, as if asleep, "I think we’re approaching the outer atmosphere.  Sometimes the heat makes things creak."  At least it sounded like creak.  It could have been creep, or weak.  Justin couldn’t tell. 

"Um, okay."  It wasn’t important, he guessed.  The helmsman was a stout sort of fellow, predictable and faithful.  He always showed up on time, checked the craft, before launch.  He was a by-the-book sort not prone to imaginative thinking, but he did his job, which was good enough surely, and probably what you want in a helmsman.

Justin looked around at the relaxed forms of the other passengers.   They were scientists, like himself, but perhaps not like himself.  They were fascinated by things other than a little re-entry.  They obsessed over big problems or small problems, tiny little worlds or grand grandiose big big worlds.  Make the little worlds bigger, they’d say.  Make the big worlds smaller, would reply the others - two schools of thought, Justin reflected, two schools of thought that always end up in the same place.

Justin was awake now, and he couldn’t close his eyes.  The Earth was this big beautiful ball of blue, crystalline blue, shiny, reflective, shimmery, but calm, peaceful, enveloping.  It’s like you could just reach out and touch it, squeeze it, wrap it all around you, he thought, just roll around on it.  Man, he thought adjusting his poly-alloy something pants, been out here too long - getting turned on by this big blue ball in space.  Geez.

"Hey, Melinda," he whispered though the microphone, "did you get the data you were looking for?"

"Hmmm…  you talkin’ to me, Justin?  Yeah, yeah, I got what I was looking for.  Gracias a Dios. They were there just waiting for me.  I stepped around the corner and there they were as if they had chosen me.  The mission was un exito total." 

"I’m glad."  He had had no such luck.  His first opportunity out here had netted him nothing, nothing, and now that he thought about it, nothing.  Maybe when they got back, he’d see if maybe he could salvage at least something of this nothing of a trip.  "I’m glad for you Melinda.  Couldn’t have happened to a better person.  You know you’re the best."

"Thanks, Justin.  You’ll get something, soon, I’m sure."

There was that weak, creeping creak again, trickling over-head.  "There it is again?  Did you hear that?  What the hell is that sound?"

The whisper came again, "Look, it’s nothing to be worried about, the hull’s heating up.  It does that, uneven heating, causes uneven expansion, uneven compression.  It’s all taken care of.  Now, newbie, if you want to make yourself useful, lie back and close those big weepy eyes of yours.  I’ll get you back to your mama’s arms before you wet yourself, I promise." And he clicked off his mic.

To Justin, the break-up seemed almost in slow motion.  There was a shudder, and the pieces came off like big giant flakes of rust spinning out and away into the blackness their edges glowing faintly, discolored like the petals of a dying flower. 

And down they fell.

…to be continued

Screw Linux on the Desktop, I Used to be Productive

Thursday, March 23rd, 2006

I don’t want my desktop all candified.  I don’t want media.  I don’t want games.  I don’t want music.  I don’t want VOIP.  I don’t want chat.  I don’t want digg, reddit, and slashdot.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

I used to be productive.  Now I have MAME to emulate all my favorite standup video games from the eighties and nineties (endless hours of fun).   I now have instant messaging, every manner of music, video, and entertainment imaginable (not to mention all that P2P goodness and without the spyware).  MythTV handles the PVR functions and let me tell you, it’s great. 

It’s too great.

The problem is, I need to do some friggin’ work on this computer.  I remember when the desktop was austere.  I was forced to work, not goof off watching stupid video clips from video.google.com or www.youtube.com

HEY YOU MEATHEADS stop messing with the desktop.  It’s too good.  It’s too distracting.  Firefox is too good.  There are too many great extensions.  Mplayer is the best media player on the planet.  Stop it, now! 

I need to do some WORK!

Please make my desktop the non-functioning piece of utilitarian crap that it was five years ago, please please please?

 

I beg you. 

Puerto Rico Defrauds its Citizens

Tuesday, March 21st, 2006

I got a letter in the mail, addressed to me, from the DTOP (Departamento de Transportación y Obras Públicas, Dept of Transportation and Public Works).  Weird, I thought, this is weird indeed.  What could they possibly want with me?  I quote (my thoughts in parenthesis)

Esteemed James, (ooo, I’m esteemed, that’s good, huh?)

I have good news for you (oh my goodness, good news, let me read more).  You can save $48.00.  (wow, how?  more more more!) Currently, our system reflects that you have pending traffic fines totaling $120.00 (WHAT!?)

Take advantage of this offer.  You have from March 3rd to May 1st to receive a 40% discount, a savings of $48.00. You can get out of all your fines by paying only $72.00. (WTF?)

This offer is for a limited time and will not be repeated.  Don’t waste time or money. Visit your closest local collecting office and pay your invoice.  You only have to bring this letter. (They wish)

Pay now and save.  Don’t wait until it is tool late. (or WHAT?)

Gabriel D Alcaraz Emmanuelli (Crook)
Secretario de Transportación y Obras Públicas

Okay, it looks like it came from DTOP, on official stationary.  They are not asking for a mailed check.  They ask that you go to the official government collections office to pay.  The letter is legitimately from DTOP, but it reads like a bad CompUSA rebate offer.  It just sounds like fraud, fraud disguised as a great offer.  Couple that with the fact that I just re-registered my car a week ago (so I was clear a week ago) and have never ever ever been pulled over let alone ticketed.  This is just false.  And the letter does not provide a phone number or any information to report an error.  Okay, I think to myself, I’ll have to deal with this.  What a pain.

I am reminded of a corollary to Arthur C. Clark’s "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" which is "Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice."  I love that quote.

Then I find out that Laura’s father, mother, and brother also got the same letter.

Okay, so that’s how it going to be, huh, naked malice.  There is speculation that the cover story is going to be a computer glitch, that if you drag your sorry ass into the collections office, wait all day for a useless government functionary to see you, you may have your "fines" removed.  Otherwise, if your time/job is worth more than the extortion demand, then you’ll just pay it and move on with your life.

I also find it weird that amount of the "fine" is suspiciously close to the median daily income of the average worker.  It’s like the dollar figure is perfectly calculated to match the cost of missing a day of work.  It’s probably a close race for the majority of Puerto Ricans today.  It’s just too perfect an amount for my "fines."  It’s too perfectly crafted.  Too high, everybody fights, Government gets no money.  Too low, and most everybody pays it resulting in an increase in revenue, but a loss on how much they could have actually gotten.  The tone of the letter makes me believe they are doing me a favor, going out on a limb, and the amount is just about right for the average joe.

This is just sick, sick, sick.  I have never heard of such a thing, government run extortion, fraud.  I mean, usually they just stick to back room graft and mismanagement.  How often do governments just come right out and say, "pay us this money, and there won’t be any problems,"  except in Cameroon?

Any lawyers out there want to take up a case against the Department of Transportation in Puerto Rico and Gabriel D Alcaraz Emmanuelli, alleged mastermind of this fraud?

Javier Ignacio’s 1st Birthday

Monday, March 20th, 2006

Javier_1st_Birthday_0027.jpg

By the time he was done, he had cake in his hair, ears, and down his back.  He beamed, eyes twinkling, with true happiness as we all sang happy birthday to him.  He knew we were adoring him, and the little munchkin ate it up, along with the cake.

Javier_1st_Birthday_0030.jpg

It’s funny, Laura and I were reflecting on the night that Javier arrived.  We were up late watching Battlestar Galatica (great great show) and about half way through, Laura starting having contractions.  As with all pregnancies, you don’t know how much time you have, and this being our third child we could have easily had the little boy right there on the coffee table during the commercial break.  Laura, however, sci-fi chick that she is, sucked it up and said that it’d be fine, that we could finish Battlestar Galactica.  

"Are you sure?"  I asked.

"Yeah, I guess so."  

So little Javier, I just want to say on your 1st birthday, thanks for letting us watch our show.  You’re the best.   And Laura, you win the Sci-fi-chick-of-the year award.

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