I don’t mean for every entry I write to become some kind of
philosophical journey or meandering… but I just can’t help it. This
melancholic soul of mine just can’t seem to sit still. Maybe it’s all
the hard times we’ve been through in these past few years or all the
joy we have because of our daughter. I don’t know what it is, but I
just can’t seem to shake this smile I have.
I have something else, that I want to write here, but I haven’t had
the motivation. Something happened to me about a year and half ago that
started me down this path that I believe is the right one. Although as
I mentioned I don’t have the energy to get it down. I’ve been trying,
believe me, but it’s just not there yet. However, for the sake of my
sanity, I have to get something down, some results, fruits so to
speak… better to show than tell anyway.
Tonight was a late night at work. We didn’t leave until around nine.
Roberto, Laura’s brother and Miray, his wife, were nice enough to look
after Olaia while we toiled away. Since we were in meetings until late,
we hadn’t had a chance to eat. Once again, Roberto and Miray came to
our aid with a tasty Lebanese dish, a kind of middle eastern meatloaf
with pita bread and accompaniments. A meal like that after a hard day
at work can’t help but leave you punchy and happy.
I don’t know how exactly we got started on it… wait, oh yes I do.
Miray was talking about ruts. She says, a bit self-consciously, her
life might look like it’s in a rut. It’s not, she assures us, but well,
you know, it might be. She takes care of her children, she cooks, she
cleans, she picks them up from school. She thinks for a bit. Well
there’s not much else, she concludes, but it feels full. She says it’s
not like she feels empty, but sometimes when thinking about all the
plans from college, what you imagined your life to be like, what
potential, the dreams you never fulfilled. It’s the things for which
you have no taste anymore. This doesn’t taste the same. Was it I who
changed?
I’ve been thinking much of the same things these past few years –
not that my life has been boring, but I’ve been beating myself up for
not accomplishing more, for not having what I wanted to have at the age
of 32.
And you know what it’s all pretty simple, we concluded and somewhat
heartening, which is really all that is important when you’re trying to
cheer each other up and feel good.
What do you use to study the world around you? Maybe you use a
telescope for looking at the infinite outside of our solar system,
distant stars, great novas, vast expanses that dwarf the imagination.
It’s so large so great, you feel filled up staring at it, as if you
would never get bored staring at the same stretch of sky, that you
would never never get old before your time? You lose yourself way up
there, imagining you are hanging upside down over this calm sea of
infinity. You begin to forget the grass upon which you lie, the blades
that formerly scratched your back, made your legs itch. It all seems
less important. The crickets fad into a distant blanket of white noise
lost beneath the threshold of your consciousness. There’s that big
thing… and it’s all that matters.
Perhaps, though, there is something else that captures your fancy
more. Maybe, just maybe you’re fascinated by the microscopic. You want
to peer into these little spaces that no one knows about. It’s not
enough to know the grandness of things… it’s the smallness that
captures your imagination, the mundane, the infinitesimal. You know
your world. It’s the small things that give you pleasure, the squeeze
of a tiny hug, kissing a boo-boo to make it feel better. Do you come
home to a little dog to whom you are the entire world and who cannot
contain herself as she leaps and jumps knocking over everything in her
path. Do you feel those things? It’s easy to miss the little things
while you are staring off into space.
So it was that we concluded that there was the infinity outside of
ourselves and the infinity within; one, an infinity of greatness and
journey and abundance. One spirit sees and does what all large and
great spirits beg to do… to stomp, to dream, to make loud noises, ignite
fires, and light up the world. The other seeks to pacify and understand
and foment. It loves the broken, embattled and the weak. Its empathy
and compassion and patience temper the fire, baffle the noise, and
dampen the vibrations that ripple all around us.